This is topic "The Jealous Boyfriend" - 20,000 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:;f=26;t=000834

Posted by XD3V0NX on :
Okay, so this might be classified more of a Novella. I'm not sure, but correct me if i'm in the wrong place, because I don't even know....

However, I'm not even sure if it really is going to be 20,000, because I still have much revising to do. This is just an estimate of how much I will eventually end up with. Also, this story is divided up into 3 Parts.

So, let me know what's good about it and what I can do to make it better and if you'd want to check out at least one of the Parts, and then if you want more, i'll send you it.

I should also say: this story may not be appropriate for children under the age of 18. There is explicit content and probably nudity and sexual exposure. There is also a lot, a lot of Violence at the end. (the end is my FAVORITE part btw, but that's my opinion) Anyway, I'll let you be the judge of that. =)


Okay, so I’m in love with this beautiful girl; she has long, pretty black hair, gorgeous blue and green eyes, smooth cheeks, and she wears glasses. And she is the cutest damn girl ever. However, we’ve been having problems lately: if I don’t get over my jealousy and anger soon, our relationship might just end.
I love spending time with her, and that’s what I’m doing now. I’m on her white coach in her living room, watching as she’s playing the Nintendo Wii, and just thinking about how cute she looks running in place. What a mess she is, I chuckled to myself.
For the longest time, before Jessa, I found myself so un-experienced, but after we started dating, she showed me a side to her I hadn’t known. She is so sexy and kinky, and she’s

[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited March 08, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 08, 2010).]

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
D00d, have you spent time critiquing others stories on here? This is your sixth submission here, with no giving to other Hatrackers in return (50 odd words to Meredith on her Query aren't quite enough in my books, thanks).

If you have been communication & offering suggestions and critiques to others via email, then I apologize for my presumption. Otherwise, I would like to kindly suggest that you give to the group of your time and experience. It will pay off in spades to both us, and yourself.

Posted by XD3V0NX on :
I have been really busy with school and a senior project and I have to read all these other dang books for english. These are stories i have pretty much already written. I havent had time to do anything else much lately. I am sorry. I will review others stories and queries. I'll make time tomorrow. My appologies.....
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
No need to apologize, it's just a suggestion. This place lives & breathes off of the participation of ALL of it's members.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Is this a revised version of the "Deadly Flirt" story that you previously posted? If so, you might consider just editing that thread to state so, and that will lessen the percieved flooding the forum issue. I kind feel I might be spinning my wheels abit by commenting on this. If not, I apologize, and I will be glad to offer my take later. Just let us know.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
And again,

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE! read "How to tell if it's exactly 13 lines."

By the way, novellas usually go in the Fragments and Feedback for Novels area, but if you aren't sure how long this will end up being, we can leave it here for now.

Posted by XD3V0NX on :
Well, to Katholee, I thought this was 13 lines...? I read that, and I did as it said. I counted...13 lines, at least, i think i did.

and to Bent Tree, this is Not a revised version of the Deady Flirt. I have not revised it yet, but when I do, I am still going to keep the name as The Deadly Flirt. I dont plan on changing it.

But thank you, and I think I will put this in the Novel forum.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
XD3V0NX, it's not 13 sentences. It's 13 lines in manuscript format (using 12-point courier font).

Please read the topic that explains how to tell.

And my name is Kathleen not "Katholee" if you don't mind.

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
While the voice is good, gives the impression of a high school first love thing, there is nothing compelling in this at all. Feels more like a locker room guy talk then the begining of a story. I think you started in the wrong place.

LOL @ Katholee, that had to be a typo. Who would come up with a nick name like that?

Posted by XD3V0NX on :
I think you are right. I did begin in the wrong place. Thank you. I will be sure to work on that. Now, do you mean the first few sentences, or the whole 13 lines in general??

And that was a typo, btw.

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
Now, do you mean the first few sentences, or the whole 13 lines in general??

I meant the whole first thirteen. In this begining, all I see is some guy totally in love watching his girl friend playing video games. I don't have any indication of where this story is going and nothing that really interests me.

I don't know what this story is about, but I have a feeling that there is a better place to start. I could be wrong, only you can know for sure.

I hope this helps.

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2