All right, so I re did a lot of the beginning of "eye of a shadow" I got rid of the letter William Creed wrote, (you'll know what i'm talking about if you read my original thirteen) and I re wrote it. I thought it would be better to do that, because the other one I had was written while he was about to die, and I don't think someone would do that knowing they were seconds from death. William Creed, in this, doesn't know he is about to die, and neither will the readers, but they might have an idea of what is to happen to him. This isn't the entire letter, only a portion, for I couldn't fit the entire thing in my thirteen lines. Anyway, I have torn apart my first chapter and started fresh, too, and my prologue I will get to shortly, and re submit that up here. Let me know what you think of this new opening. Thank you.
My name is William Creed, and if you are reading this, I am long since dead. There is something I have kept from my colleagues and this world for far too long, and now, I will reveal the truth. I have spent more than half my life trying to create the perfect being, a being with no flaws and so unlike any human ever created by God. Ever since 1958, when he died, I knew I had something. He was special, and so unlike any boy his own age.
I had to bring him back, and the only way made possible to do so was to insert a powerful device, a certain life source taking the form of a glass eye, that will have remained with Him forever.
For the longest time, he was genuinely perfect, but there were
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 06, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited April 12, 2010).]
Posted by pamak (Member # 6987) on :
While it may not be mean anything to many of your readers, to the religious, capitalizing He and Him denotes God. Do you mean the connotation? If you don't, you should either name him or use lower case H's.
[This message has been edited by pamak (edited April 06, 2010).]
Posted by k8crone (Member # 9056) on :
I think it is confusing to mention God, then capitalizing the he and hims when referring to the boy. I agree with Pamak. It felt a little like reading Regency fiction using He and Him. It has an old fashion sense to it, which may have been deliberate on your part-- but I think you can achieve that with tone and not using this affectation. I think you can find other ways to show the boy's importance/specialness {is that a word?) to the narator. Also, I think there is a tense problem-- instead of will have remained, would have remained seems smoother to me.. Good luck. I'm new here. I haven't posted anything with my novel, yet-- just a short story. Hope to get brave soon.
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
Okay, thank you. I'll work on that. I'm probably going to redo this opening, again....