Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "The Sparrow and the Phoenix"

This is topic "The Sparrow and the Phoenix" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by geekyMary (Member # 8905) on :

I'm pretty sure this is the worst thing I've ever written in my life.

Seriously, tho, I've been working on this novel so long that I can no longer objectively evaluate it.

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Frank and Leah Flynn hadn’t brought their machine all the way to San Francisco simply to blow it up. That’s just how things turned out.

It had started off with a simple demonstration that morning. It was a beautiful sunny day, which they were hopefully going to ruin.

Leah and Frank were busy making last minute adjustments. Leah was tightening bolts on the tank assembly, while Frank carefully went through his his pre-launch checklist.

“Ready for pressurization?” Frank asked.

“Just about,” Leah said. “Two more bolts to check.” She peeked over her shoulder at the crowd beginning to assemble on the lawn. She took a deep breath, trying in vain to get her

[This message has been edited by geekyMary (edited April 08, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 08, 2010).]

Posted by TempestDash (Member # 9026) on :

Way, WAY more than 13 lines. When you copied it into the post box all you needed to do was count the lines there. The box has a fixed width.

By my count, the end of the 13th line was:

quote:
She took a deep breath, trying in vain to get her stomach to stop churning, and verified that the last bolts were tight.

I won't be reading past there.

Anyway. Nice opening paragraph, really caught me right away. Second paragraph was a little confusing, given it's nihilistic tone, which seems in contrast to the first paragraph. I'm unclear what the initial indefinite article "It" is referring to. I'm assuming you mean 'The day had started off...'

Third paragraph is a little redundant. Seeing as you say they're making adjustments, then specific state what adjustments are being made. The fact that a 'pre-launch' checklist is involved is interesting, and changes what I initially conceived of their machine looking like. I'm guessing now it's a rocket. One that isn't intended to explode.

Last paragraph (as stated above, the 13th line) fine, and slowing building the tension of a display about to occur.

This seems interesting enough. The opening line caught my attention enough that I'd keep reading past the first page, at least to see what this is all about. An exploding invention is not terribly interesting on its own, but your initial line sets up the suspense well enough that I'd give you the opportunity to show me something exciting to keep my interest for the rest of the book.

I'm not sure why you're down on this. It's a good start. At least based on the first 13 lines that I've read.

--TD

Posted by geekyMary (Member # 8905) on :

Thanks - I shortened it. And thanks for the feedback. I've been looking it for so long it's all gone blurry by now.

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

I like it. My only nit, is this sentence.

which they were hopefully going to ruin.

I suggest change to, they hoped to ruin. That's clearer to me in intent.

Good luck with it.
~Sheena

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

I think I may be in the minority so feel free to ignore me, but I am not fond of the opening sentence. It tells us exactly how the experiment is going to end, and nothing compells me to read on.

What about starting with the second sentence in the second paragraph.

quote:
It was a beautiful sunny day, which Frank and Leah Flynn were hopefully going to ruin.

That sentencs is hooky to me, and I would much rather read not knowing how the experiment would end and find out as the story unfolds. But maybe I am the only one who feels that way.

Good luck with this.