Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Beginning of untitled mystery/suspense

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Posted by Charles Forgues (Member # 9106) on :

This book is finished in first draft at just over 50,000 words. I know it needs considerably more in plot and character development, but here it is.

My thumb rested on the .44's trigger, the weapon turned around in my hand, the bite of metal mixed with the light taste of gun oil gagging me. I thought again about what I was about to do, and with that thought came resolve. My thumb tightened on the trigger.
"Goodbye, Angel," I mumbled around the weapon's cold barrel.
Angel's soft female voice came from across the room. "Are you sure you want to do this, John?"
I gazed into the dimly lighted corner, beyond the opened-out and unmade futon bed, to the cage on the shelf high against the wall. The white rat's eyes glowed red out at me, and I wondered for an instant if her eyes were actually glowing, or if it was something produced by my crazed, sleep-deprived mind.

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

I had no real issue with the prose, however it's the subject matter that is a turnoff for me. My interest is not hooked by a guy in the process of suicide and were I to pick a story to critique or edit or buy in the bookstore I'd just move on to something that poses a more interesting story problem. I believe the problem of "whether he will or whether he won't" presented here is meaningless to me, because I don't yet know the character.

I've come across similar openings before - some guy in the depths of ennui with a gun at his temple - and I just have to wonder if it's maybe not the strongest place to start.

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I have to agree with BenM. Having the MC start off in attempted suicide is like having a stranger come on too strong. I don't know him or why he is trying to commit suicide and my intial reaction is a bit uncomfortable. That being said the first thirteen seem well written.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

I agree. Without knowing the character, his attempted suicide is not all that gripping. He hasn't earned our interest enough for this to create the tension you're hoping for.

Also, notice, the reference to his attempted suicide. We already know he doesn't go through with it because this is written in first person. If he had committed suicide, he wouldn't be able to narrate the story. That takes away whatever tension the opening might have had.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited May 06, 2010).]

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

Welcome to Hatrack!!

Yeah, I am not really feeling anything for the characters. You may want to start a little earlier.

There are some weird things going on. Angel seems a bit unfeeling which makes me wonder if she doesn't really care about him or if something supernatural is going on, and she knows he won't really die. Also the mice are very strange too and suggestive of a speculative element even though this is supposed to be mystery/suspence?

Is that what you intended?

[This message has been edited by MAP (edited May 07, 2010).]

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

Since it looks like the rat is Angel and talks and has glowing red eyes, I think there are better starting points than this, especially if this is the last scene in the book and the MC goes into some kind of flashback.

I don't like that kind of opening. My personal preference is not to know he's arrived at suicide. It takes all of the drama out of the story... you know like reading the ending when you start a book.

If this is the start of the story, then it may be one that's is too depressing for me to read on.

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

For me, I personally like it opening with a suicide, but I have weird taste (I actually thought of opening a story like that, but after seeing some of the reviews, I don't think that would be too wise). "I" like that whole idea going on, though, but I don't understand the last sentence, where it says something about a white rat. Where did that rat even come from?

Also, instead of "the gun turned around in my hand" I think it would read better if you had something like "the gun pressed against my temple", maybe. Also, with the following phrase, it's kind of difficult to picture where the gun is: I'm under the impression that it's either pointing in his mouth or is pressed against his temple. I'm thinking, after I just re read the phrase, that the gun nozzle is in his mouth. Still, I would think of another way to say that, because I had to read it three times, though I am in a rush right now to get out of here, to figure out that it was in his mouth. You should get rid of this: "the bite of metal mixed with the light taste of gun oil gagging me." There's something about that sentence thatI don't like.

Okay, now I am certain that the gun nozzle is in his mouth. Sorry. A little slow sometimes (I read that part again to make sure). I see that he mumbled around "the weapons cold barrel"

I'd get rid of "Dimly" I don't like adverbs sometimes, unless they're absolutely nessessary.

I also don't know what you mean by "Opened-out" I have a clue, but I think it would be better if you got rid of it and kept it like this: "beyond the unmade futon bed"

Okay, so I re read the ending, again, and what I think is going on is: there is a white rat in the cage, he spoke, and told Angel not to kill himself. Hm. It's hard to tell you for sure what I think of this idea. I'm thinking that the rat is a vital importance to the story, but I also should say I am a little disappointed, because I thought the voice came from a girl, perhaps someone close to Angel. I would read on to something like that, if, however, it was a girl close to him that spoke and tried to change his mind about killing himself. If it's a rat, I'm not really pulled in. (I guess you can say I like this, but I don't like it. 50/50)

Oh, and something else I just caught. Where it says "the white rat's eyes glowed" I think instead of "rat's eyes", it should be "rats' eyes" I'm not sure, but I thought I should point that out.

Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :

I don't have a problem with the piece starting with the suicide attempt. I've even seen effective 1st person pieces in the mystery Genre starting with Successful Suicides, the spirit of the deceased looking back, ala Sunset Boulavard.

I do have and issue with the "Gun turned around in my hand" phrase, this seems akward and not really germaine. Now the barrel resting on his teeth, or in his mouth, that's different.

I also like the phrase "the bite of the metal and taste of the oil" anyone who has ever handled Guns knows exactly what you're talking about.

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited May 10, 2010).]