These are the first lines of a story I'm working on. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Ian Brody perched on the roof of a building like a gargoyle. The September breeze rushed past him, leaving behind a refreshing chill. Ian should’ve been looking for crimes being committed but he got distracted by the city's glow. The Manhattan Lights streamed in the city, causing it to radiate. It had that rare quality of being more appealing during the night than during the day. Like a vampire, though, the city truly came alive at these hours. It never slept. It was in a constant state of activity. People were always on the move, music always blaring, and the engines of moving cars became as common as the cricket sounds you’d hear in a quiet, suburban town.
[This message has been edited by Moester (edited May 11, 2010).]
Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :
Wow, nice writing. It oozes gothic charm. I'm guessing Brody is a supernatural-type vigilanty? My only complaint is this: I don't actually know what Brody IS. You've used the words "vampire" and "gargoyle" but both to describe things that don't directly pertain to him. I mean, he could be Hellboy or he could be a shapeshifter or he could be a guy with an uncanny ability to sit on rooftops. I'm a little loss to see him in my imagination and that bugs me.
Still, it's really interesting and it can be hard to give that kind of info in thirteen lines.
Oh, and welcome to Hatrack! Glad to have you here!
Trish
Posted by RoxyL (Member # 9096) on :
Nicely done. I like the mood and the hints at secrets yet untold. This is an interesting case where there is no action, per se, but the setting lets you know it will be forthcoming shortly. I'd read more.
Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
I like it too. It really conveys a lot in a few sentences, sets up the setting, the character, and gives me the impression a supernatural superhero type story. Nicely done. Oh and Welcome to Hatrack.
I really had to look hard to find any nits, but I got a couple.
quote:Ian Brody perched on the roof of a building like a gargoyle. The September breeze rushed past him, leaving behind a refreshing chill. Ian should’ve been looking for crimes being committed but he got distracted by the city's glow. The Manhattan Lights streamed in the city, causing it to radiate.(I am not really sure what you are trying to convey here. Aren't the lights coming from buildings in the city? So where are they streaming in from? And radiate is really bugging me here. Don't things radiate something, like radiating heat? This whole sentence is confusing to me. It had that rare quality of being more appealing during the night than during the day. (Aren't most cities more appealing at night? At least they are to me. ) Like a vampire, though, the city truly came alive at these hours. It never slept. It was in a constant state of activity. People were always on the move, music always blaring, and the engines of moving cars became as common as the cricket sounds you’d hear in a quiet, suburban town.
Okay, obviously I really had to look hard to find anything, so feel free to ignore me. What you got here is good.
Posted by Moester (Member # 8849) on :
Thanks guys, I really appreciate the feedback! It's nice to know that I'm doing a few things right with my opening. I hope I can keep it up in the future. And thanks for the warm welcomes.
Posted by RSJ (Member # 8923) on :
I like it, the only thing I might tweak is the first sentence. Ian Brody perched on the roof of a building like a gargoyle. When I first read it for a split second I thought the building was like a gargoyle. You might want to write it something like this. Ian Brody perched like a gargoyle on the roof of a building. Also I feel like you are trying to set the scene and tone of the story. So you might want to explain what kind of building it is.
Ian Brody perched like a gargoyle on the roof of the cathedral. Ian Brody perched like a gargoyle on the roof of an abandoned warehouse. Ian Brody perched like a gargoyle on the roof of the empire state building. Ian Brody perched like a gargoyle on the roof of an old brick apartment complex. etc. etc. Is this a building he is on top of often? Is it his secret lair? Is it a random building? It sounds like it's just a random he just decided to hang out on for the time being but I could imagine this story how ever I want without knowing what building he's on, but I'm reading your story so I want to know what you are imagining he's on. Once I get the feel of the story as I read on I wont care what kind of building he's on top of because I know where he usually hangs around. It's only important because it's your very first sentence.
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
Oh, wow. You had me at the first line. I would read on and I didn't see too much of a problem with anything really.
If you need someone, for future refrence, to take a look at this for you, I would be happy to read some of what you have. I can't guarantee I'll have super awesome feedback, but I can promise you that I'll let you know what I think from a reader's perspective and anything else that comes to mind.
Good luck.
~XD3V0NX~
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
Nice job, I like how you were able to weave in the setting with exposition and hints of what the story will be about. I also agree with RSJ. It adds quite a bit to have that little detail.
Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :
I liked the start of the story, good mood setting. For a longer work you can take time to develop the story line as long as there is enough of a hook to interest the reader.
Let me echo some of MAPs concerns. The "streaming lights" phrase has a nice ring to it, but seems like an incomplete thought, that needs to be fleshed out a little.
The discussion about the city at night was again well written but there are some subtle flaws in the phrasing. Why is the city more interesting at night? Maybe the flaws are hidden by the dark. More interesting people are out and about?
Also in that last sentence you could convey more of the vitality of the city scene. You talk about all the different city sounds, but maybe suggest they blend into a gumbo of sights and sounds that provide the night flavor. It seems like that sentence is kind of flat compared to the rest of the paragraph.
) Like a vampire, though, the city truly came alive at these hours. It never slept. It was in a constant state of activity. People were always on the move, music always blaring, and the engines of moving cars became as common as the cricket sounds you’d hear in a quiet, suburban town.