I'm trying Mrs. Brown's idea about fixing the transition. Regarding Goosebumps, I'm thinking this may be a bit darker than the Goosebumps series; although I'm sure there's some overlap.
Second version:
Starting out at a new school is always tough. It’s even harder when everyone’s trying to kill you, and it gets worse when you’re the only human.
My name is Nick Sircar, and I’m in the sixth grade. I’m not as smart as my sister, Amanda, but she doesn’t need to know that. It was our first day on Shadow Island in an old broken down house, and tomorrow we would turn twelve. We didn’t know what a big deal that would be.
* * *
I better tell you how it all started and how I got my earliest clue that something was wrong. Early that first morning, we were the only ones on the ferry that towed our car and the moving van out to Shadow Island. As the ferryboat sailed into a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 07, 2010).]
Posted by MikeL (Member # 9138) on :
I like this version much better. (with exception to the repeating lines at the end ) I would read on.
Note: for future reference, if you post under your original topic people can see both the old and new revisions and compare them.
Posted by Zack Zyder (Member # 9162) on :
Duly noted. I'll eliminate the repeating lines. It's only in song lyrics that we can get away with that.
Posted by MikeL (Member # 9138) on :
Or if you have an insane character, that keeps repeating the same thing, or if you are going for some kind of time dialation thing. :P
Posted by elma (Member # 9164) on :
-Good first sentence except I'd like to know where this person is the only human. At school or where? - why doesn't Amanda need to know -is Amanda a human? If so, how can he be the only human -it was our first-- this comes too suddenly, doesn't relate enough to what went before - I'd omit the words how it all started and
) I would read on.
It's only in song lyrics that we can get away with that.
:P