1. THE OLD AND THE NEW
Asher crossed the street and walked through the revolving doors of the Global News Net building. He stood for a minute in the lobby, watching the people as they hurried from office to office, rushing to get their work done before the seven o’clock deadline. He hadn’t been in this building, hadn’t even been in the city of Cheyenne in ten years. He’d taken a small vacation which he thought was fair after two hundred years of hard work for the Central Court of Magic. Starting a news company had been their genius, it served as a cover for the large amount of staff, but it was also very convenient for disguising the massacres of the magicians that chased that stupid dream of ruling the world. Ruling the world for what ? He thought about it, about how it would feel to rule the world. All those worries, wars and revolutions, the thought alone made him shudder.
Nothing else stood out as wrong. I like the idea of a magical government using a news agency as a cover and would read more to see how that works.
Smart, cool idea. I think you could strengthen that idea. Like is there sand in his shorts, is he behind trend on fashion, is his head still in the clouds?
His attitude regarding ambitious magicians is funny. I think you just need to start in the moment and not flash back so soon.
Overall, I am liking the character, and the situation, I just think it would be better to start closer in. What does the place look like, where exactly is Asher while he is thinking, (sitting on a iron bench, leaning against a marble wall, reading People magazine on a velvet couch) and what does the place smell like or feel like? Use the senses to pull into the place of the story and be precise with the action.
Just my opinion,
~Sheena
I'll try to make it more detailed and cinematic!
I was afraid at first that if I did that, it would put readers
of from the start because i thought that might distract from the actual story. My goal is to introduce people to this world the moment they pick up the book, but the lack of detail would probably make it boring.. I'll work on that!
Thanks Sheena!
These are just opinions and ideas to help you find the words yourself.Asher crossed the street and walked through the revolving doors of the Global News Net building.--I agree with aspirit that you should drop the "crossed the street", not important.
He stood for a minute in the lobby, watching the people as they hurried from office to office, rushing to get their work done before the seven o’clock deadline.--kind of long, here is a suggestion. He stood for a minute in the lobby, watching people hurry from office to office. The seven o'clock deadline drawing close (or looming over them or something).
He hadn’t been in this building, hadn’t even been in the city of Cheyenne in ten years.--Can you make this active? How does he feel about coming back? Does the weight of this job settle back on him just standing there in spite of a 10 year vacation?
He’d taken a small vacation which he thought was fair after two hundred years of hard work for the Central Court of Magic.--I think you may need some commas in there. Another suggestion? Ten years of vacation was fair, considering his two hundred years of hard work for the Central Court of Magic.
Starting a news company had been their genius, it served as a cover for the large amount of staff, but it was also very convenient for disguising the massacres of the magicians that chased that stupid dream of ruling the world.--I paused here. Is the Central Court of Magic the "their" you are referring to? Maybe you can reword it just a bit to make it more clear. "The news company was a stroke of genius. It served as a cover for the large staff." Then make the next part it's own sentence.
Ruling the world for what? He thought about it, about how it would feel to rule the world. All those worries, wars and revolutions, the thought alone made him shudder.--My only suggestion would be to end the second sentence after the first "it" for emphasis. "He thought about it. Thought about how it would feel to rule the world-all those worries, wars and revolutions. He shuddered."
I like the idea and would read more to see what the story is. The start is good, but will be better if you add things to help us feel what he is feeling. Experience where he is.
Charity's suggestions are pretty good. Wish I'd thought of them.
I believe the inner thoughts of the last two sentences could be replaced by whatever comes after them. You might use them later tho, so keep them around just in case.
Axe
quote:Asher [crossed the street and<--[Cut.] walked through the revolving doors of the Global News Net building. He stood for a minute in the lobby, watching the people as they hurried from office to office[, rushing<--cut] to get their work done before the [seven o’clock<--cut.] deadline. He hadn’t been in this building, [hadn’t even been in the city of<--Cut. Replace with something like: or in] Cheyenne in ten years. [He’d taken a small vacation which he thought was fair a<--cut. After two hundred years of [hard work<--find something stronger, like slaving] for the Central Court of Magic[, he'd gone on hiatus]. Starting a news company had been [their<--[Who?] genius, it served as a cover for the large amount of staff, but it was also very convenient for disguising the [massacres<--I do not think you know what this means. Or it looks like you're using it in place of "masses" or other measurement. perhaps you are trying to cram too much into one sentence.] of the magicians [that chased that stupid dream of ruling<--Maybe: who tried to rule the world. [Ruling the world f<--Cut. F]or what ? He thought [about it,<--Cut] about how it would feel to rule the world. [All those w<--Cut. Worries, wars and revolutions[--]the thought alone made him shudder.
This really could be trimmed to a couple of clearer sentences, but there is a clear hook AND genre.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 22, 2010).]