Xanthame peered out through the window of his living quarters. Down below the evening shift was underway mining amdonis for their Omatrin overlords. Whenever Xanthame thought about the Omatrin he felt nothing but anger and contempt. They were not like humans and the other enslaved sentient races. Once they had been a benevolent race sharing resources and land but after the sundering everything changed. Recently their cruelty had intensified. Mining teams worked longer hours and all recreational activities after work had been canceled. It had been fifteen years since Xanthame knew what it meant to be free. At the time he was only a young child but he could remember the rolling clouds and plains of his original colony world. The world of his captivity, Diamor, was the exact opposite.
Posted by KoDe Nichols (Member # 7884) on :
I'm having a difficult time establishing what "The Hook" is. To me it sounds like a typical "evil alien overlords" plot. The writing itself is okay, but at this point, nothing reaches out and smacks me. Nothing gives me an incentive to read the next sentence yet.
Posted by Jd Coker (Member # 8997) on :
Thanks for the reply. I think your right. My next couple of paragraphs are more exciting and start with my MC in a conflict. I think Im going to use those and then introduce the story concept.
It does start off as an evil alien overlord story but there is more underlying this and it develops nicely over the next few chapters( at least in my mind, lol.)
Thanks for not tearing my story apart completely, it is my first post on hatrack.
Posted by KoDe Nichols (Member # 7884) on :
Maybe you can move up one of the action portions of the story into the first thirteen. Reflection can be done anywhere, it doesn't all need to be finished at the very beginning. What sort of conflict, is it against the overlords?
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
Sci-fi readers will give you some leeway, but there's an awful lot of new terms introduced in the first two sentences - Xanthame, amdonis, Omatrin. They are all hard to pronounce in your head, and that gives some people a headache.
I see from the other posts that you're thinking about starting the story elsewhere, which I think might solve this problem. If Xanthame is in conflict, or making a key decision when the story opens, then you can move that conflict forward a bit and drop in the necessary details about the evil overlords and the amdonis mine later.
As always with feedback, take what works, leave the rest. Good luck with this!
Posted by History (Member # 9213) on :
Kay Ti again makes excellent points.
I'll only suggest you begin with your second paragraph. It is a strong emotional hook:
quote:It had been fifteen years since Xanthame knew what it meant to be free. At the time he was only a young child but he could remember the rolling clouds and plains of his original colony world. The world of his captivity, Diamor, was the exact opposite.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
[This message has been edited by History (edited August 18, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by History (edited August 18, 2010).]
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
History is spot on, you should begin with the second paragraph. Honestly all good stories are about characters more than setting. Your second paragraph's first sentence puts us in the character moment.
The story of a downtrodden people serving overlords has been done often so its important for you to try and take a unique take on this scenario.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited August 18, 2010).]