Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Seeds of Persephone

This is topic The Seeds of Persephone - good guy's start? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

Ok, this is strange but I have two different first thirteens, not sure if I should start with the good guys or the bad guy? So I figure I'll just get opinions on if ether seems more interesting. So please also read the other post and comment. I would have put them both on here, but I didn't want to bog down the post, so I posted them separate.

The good guy's -

Well that didn't go as planned...

Bess sat their on her rump, naked as the day she was born. The only thought roaming through her frazzled brain--Holy S***!! As she watched the last remains of Old man Glokenshpeck's obliterated House floating down like snow around her and her two companions in crime. They were both to dumb-founded to notice her sprawled nature and lack of clothing. Tray was lying on his back smoldering, staring up watching the incredible height the burning debris had achieved. While Cab was on his stomach, panting heavily, eyes wide, absorbing the huge creator that now existed between the two badly damaged apartment buildings on ether side. All three of them not but a minute earlier

Give me your thoughts - w.

[This message has been edited by walexander (edited August 25, 2010).]

Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :

I will post my comments for each version with that version.

This opening seems a little jumbled.

We start with the nice line "Well that didn't go as planned" which feels like it is an internal though, and probably Bess's because she seems to be the MC, but then you tell us that the only thought running through her head is "Holy S***!!" I am certainly intrigued to know what could have blown a house to smithereens while leaving the three characters relatively unharmed, but that hook is lost in the description of bodies lying in various positions. I don't think you need to tell us exactly how each person is lying about. It bogs down the opening a bit.

Other little nits: "sprawled nature" doesn't quite sound right. It should be "too dumb-founded" and I think you mean "huge crater" not "creator."

I will post my comments on the bad guy opening in that thread. But I think it showcases stronger writing, does more to set up the world of the story and has a better hook.

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

I commented on the other version as well, but I thought I give you a crit here too.

First of all, I agree with everything bemused said.

Here are my nits.

quote:
Well that didn't go as planned...
Bess sat their (there not their, but I don't think you need it. Why not "Bess sat on her rump") on her rump, naked as the day she was born. The only thought roaming through her frazzled brain--Holy S***!! As she watched the last remains of Old man Glokenshpeck's obliterated House (why is house capitalized?) floating down like snow around her and her two companions in crime. They were both to (too) dumb-founded to notice her sprawled nature (cut sprawled nature) and lack of clothing. Tray was lying on his back smoldering, staring up watching the incredible height the burning debris had achieved. While Cab was on his stomach, panting heavily, eyes wide, absorbing the huge creator that now existed between the two badly damaged apartment buildings on ether side. I really don't think that at this point Bess would be noticing what Tray and Cab are doing. I am not sure if you are going for close third person POV, but if you are, I suggest sticking with what Bess is doing and thinking. Tray and Cab should be introduced when Bess thinks about them. All three of them not but a minute earlier

It looks like you are just about to launch into back story about how they got there. If that is true, why not start earlier?

[This message has been edited by MAP (edited August 26, 2010).]