This is a possible first chapter to my fantasy novel. I moved it to the front to see if it would work better. Not sure. Any feedback would be welcome.
Dregor Black-House took down the ancient sword from the rack, noting its well-worn hilt and notched blade. Dark stains, unquestionably blood, had etched the steel all along its length - grisly tokens of past conquests. Dregor himself had added a drop or two to bolster the sword’s reputation, carving out a niche for himself among the wildly independent Free Holds. He held the blade aloft and swept it wide, slicing the air that hung heavy in the dimly-lit room. “Do you thirst, milord?” The man who spoke this was standing in the shadows across the room, imprisoned in a form-fitting cage of iron. Metal clinked as he shifted his stance.“No, Theodris,” Dregor said without turning to look at the man. “I was merely reminiscing.”
Posted by Crank (Member # 7354) on :
Overall, I didn’t sense much tension so far (although, this could be a product of my genre preferences). Granted, there is the battle-worn sword, and Dregor (I like that name, BTW!) does make a well-placed comment about reminiscing, but those points would keep me reading only out of curiosity to see if his future actions match the past deeds that those points hinted to…and, for someone who is not into swordplay stories, that might not be enough to keep the pages turning. If you wouldn’t mind attempting to win over a larger audience (we SF types like combat, too!), slipping in a detail or two about one of the battles just might help along those of us who don’t already ‘get’ the assumed nuances of the fantasy genre.
That said, Dregor altering the sword’s appearance to increase its reputation did make me a bit more curious about Dregor himself
One nit:
quote: Dark stains, unquestionably blood, had etched the steel all along its length
“Etched” implies a mark that is dug, or that leaves an indentation of sorts, into a surface. Unless the blood is highly corrosive, or unless he got that sword at Toys R Us, the only ‘etching’ would come from sword-to-sword impacts.
S! S!
Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :
I like these first thirteen. I think they almost stand alone as a short vignette, but that is a bit of a problem as well. My interest is piqued but I don't know if I would say hooked because it seems that the elements of interest are in the past, Dregor is reminiscing. Perhaps throwing in a comment about what in the present has made him think about his old battles? This could offer the opportunity to clue the reader in to what conflicts are currently stirring.
I really liked the line "Do you thirst?" It had a nice ambiguity to it. The servant could just be asking if his master wants a cup of water, but it also could be a thirst for battle.
Since this is a first chapter for a book and doesn't need to rush the hook I think the slower opening you have could work well as long as the chapter as a whole works. I would keep reading.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
A little background. This chapter originally occured much later in the book. Until this chapter Dregor Black-House is only talked about but never seen. When I sat down to finally write it a funny thing happened. Without thinking about it beforehand, I had someone ask him a question. "Do you thirst, milord?" Just like that the character Theodris sprang into existence, and he immediately intrigued me. I'm still not sure if I'll make this the first chapter. If anyone would like to read the whole chapter let me know.
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
It's a slow, but even start -
Perhaps something like 'encrusted' instead of etched.
The first sentence I believe is a run-on, and ether needs a semi-colon or connecting conjunction.
quote:He held the blade aloft and swept it wide, slicing the air that hung heavy in the dimly-lit room.
This is two independent clauses, divided by a comma.
I believe you may have to adjust this line to something like -
Compound-complex sentence -
He held the blade aloft, then swept it wide, and sliced the air that hung heavy in the dimly-lit room.
or make it one complete sentence -
He held the blade aloft, then swept it wide slicing the air that hung heavy in the dimly-lit room.
The man who spoke (this) was standing -- I don't think you need 'this'
You may want to start with more action - but not a bad start.
Just 2cents - feel free to laugh and throw away.
W.
[This message has been edited by walexander (edited September 02, 2010).]
Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :
I'd like to take a look at the full chapter. You can send it my way and I will do my best to return it with comments in a not too belated fashion.
[This message has been edited by bemused (edited September 02, 2010).]
Posted by BillieJo (Member # 9235) on :
I would have read more had it been available here, so feel free to email me your chapter.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks guys! It's on its way!
Posted by Apemantus (Member # 9204) on :
I feel this is pretty good. You seem to have introduced some good information without it appearing as exposition. The genre is not something I typically read but, to me, this snippet suggests that the writing is able enough to get someone to turn the page.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks!!!
Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :
I like the character and the setting, sort of puts me in mind of a Scottish castle and Laird. As a hook it's not particularly gripping but the setting is enough the pique my curiosity and I do wonder what he might thirst for.
The thing that does throw me, and oftens appears in fantasy, is the ancient blood stained sword. If its blood stained then it hasn't been cleaned properly and, it seems to be implied, with any regularity and would likly have rusted away well before it got to the grand old age of ancient. I can understand it bearing the scars and marks of its conquests but not the stains, any swordsman worth his salt would have cleaned it on the clothes of his fallen foe (or the handy little rag he has in his pocket)
[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited September 03, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited September 03, 2010).]
Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :
Sorry for being so ridiculously delayed. But it seems my inbox ate your story. I could have sworn you had sent it to me, but I can't seem to find it. If you are still looking for a read I would be happy to do one. (If you get it to me tonight I should be able to get it to you by the morning).
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
Same here, please. It is very engaging. I'd like to see how you've worked it out.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
No problem bemused. It's on its way. PB&Jenny, I'm sending it right out. Thanks so much for the help!!!
Posted by Chris Northern (Member # 9280) on :
I like this a lot as an opening. I would have no hesitation in reading on, I want to know what's happening right at that moment and more about the situation both specific and overall. It hardly needs more than a tweek or two so, for my money, change no more than aboslutely necessary, please.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thank you Chris Northern! I hope the rest (when it's finished) is received so favorably.
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
quote: Dregor Black-House took down the ancient sword from the rack, noting its well-worn hilt and notched blade. Dark stains, unquestionably blood, had etched the steel all along its length - grisly tokens of past conquests. Dregor himself had added a drop or two to bolster the sword’s reputation, carving out a niche for himself among the wildly independent Free Holds. He held the blade aloft and swept it wide, slicing the air that hung heavy in the dimly-lit room. “Do you thirst, milord?” The man who spoke this was standing in the shadows across the room, imprisoned in a form-fitting cage of iron. Metal clinked as he shifted his stance.“No, Theodris,” Dregor said without turning to look at the man. “I was merely reminiscing.”
Not too bad overall. But I feel like it's questionable as a first sentence. Just something about the "noting" phrase. Too cliche-ish or it makes the sentence too long or it's just my personal tastes.
I think there's not enough of a hint of the problem. Of course the part about the man in the formfitting cage is intriguing, as is his question. That might do. I still feel like it needs a bit of something more for a beginning. Not sure what though or if it is a matter of my tastes.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks for your help, LDWriter. I'm still tinkering with this. I'm pretty sure now that this won't be chapter one. I think I'll leave it where I originally put it - later in the book. Thanks!
Posted by Teraen (Member # 8612) on :
Thought it was good. There was really nothing to distract me from reading on, but there was also no great hook either for me personally. I'd probably keep reading to see what type of person Dregor is. He strikes me as a bad guy of some type. But I am hoping something happens soon to grab me.
You also said that this currently exists after a prologue, so as a first chapter it is held to a less high standard than the first part of the book and I think it would be fine...
I did have to do some mental jumping jacks to figure out what "imprisoned in a form-fitting cage of iron" meant. How could a servant imprisoned get his master a drink? And if entrapped in something so confining that he can't move, would he really want to ask if his master is thirsting for blood? I didn't quite get the mental image you were trying to evoke...
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks again Teraen. Theodris is a little more complicated than a "servant". I think it becomes clear soon after this first thirteen. I agree that this would make a lousy first chapter, so I've put it back in its original place. Thanks for all your help!
