Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Last Sunrise/Vampire novel/55,000 so far

This is topic Last Sunrise/Vampire novel/55,000 so far in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by RoxanneCrouse (Member # 9172) on :

This is the beginning 13 of my vampir novel. I'm thinking a need a hook Sentance at the beginning along the lines of She had no idea how her life was going to change idea, but maybe I don't. What do you think this beginning needs? Would you read on?

Roxanne stumbled out the door of the VFW, her hands and arms cluttered with photography equipment. A leg of her tripod caught in the door as it closed. She jerked, almost falling onto the sidewalk. Typical, always getting caught in something and falling flat. At least this time she caught her balance before taking a nose dive into the street. Last week she had hurt her knees bad after smashing them into a marble floor trying to save her camera. The bruises were still there. She always bruised easily.
She tiptoed, trying to keep her equipment quiet. She hated drawing attention to herself, but the sound of clanging metal traveled down the dark deserted street despite her effort. She stopped for a moment to catch her breath and peered up at the

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

The first thing that gets me is VFW. What does that stand for?

(Keep in mind... I really don't know how much my crit will help you. I'm still learning how to critique better)

But anyway, I would read on, personally. I already get a sense of what kind of person she is. Clumsy would be my guess. And I can tell she cares a heck of a lot about her camera and photography equipment.

I don't think you need "She always bruised easily." It takes up more word count. I think it would be fine if you left it as "The bruises were still there"

I'm not finding that much more right off the bat. I'm sure others will be of better help.

Oh, and one more thing to answer your question: That sentence you said you might include at the beginning "She had no idea how her life was going to change idea" It doesn't really make any sense to me. I think you didn't mean to include "idea" within that sentence. I don't know if that's a good opening line or not. Perhaps someone else would know better.

Here's an idea, though: try starting the story further on. You might be starting at the wrong place, but I don't know for sure. Start at some point where there's already conflict and the MC's problem, and maybe even a tension build-up. Plus, you start with a bit of backstory. Not that I myself find that a problem, but I think that was one of the rules. Not to start a story or book with backstory. The backstory comes later.

Good luck.

Posted by CharityBradford (Member # 8988) on :

Roxeanne, my guess is thirteen lines just didn't get to the action, but it's coming soon? Since it's a vampire story and she's walking the street alone at night, my guess she's about to meet that life changing event.

I don't think you necessarily need a hook line. If your title and book cover make it clear this is a story about vampires, you have enough in these lines to have me anticipating their appearance.

I agree with everything XD3V0NX said as well.

I'd read on.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

I think the VFW is a Veteran of Foreign Wars family lodge/club for Veterans. Not usually known outside of the US.

I'm guessing your MC had a photo gig there. Most photographers I know have protective bags and cases for their equipment, so she sounds like an amateur bringing in some extra bucks.

I hope you have a great story there.

[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited September 05, 2010).]