quote:
A
'Angus!! Behave now!.' The brat has been making trouble for the whole class all day. Thank goodness the last day of term is here. My boys are helping me set up the Royal Academy's auditorium, putting chairs out, printing off and placing programmes. One final performance from the school ensemble, and we can all go home. My partner Nate is home from his latest secret service mission, and I am hoping we could go out to celebrate the end of the winter term tonight. I have my suit and shirt all picked out for the occasion.'Angus!! Jack!!!' My brother and Jack have a volatile relationship, if I don't separate them now, the Abbot will be here with local dignitaries, and I'll be in as much trouble as the boys. Discipline for the Masters here is as stiff as for
quote:
B
'I didn't do it Angus.''Yeah well that's your problem isn't it you don't do anything.'
'Come on then do something about it.'
There is an almighty crash. What the heck. I rush outside. My brother has Jack pinned up against a wall and Jack is flailing at his chest area, before he finally lands a kick and causes my brother to back off and starts punching him. My brother is six foot ten and Jack is wiry little fighter, I am wondering how I am going to break this up, it is getting nasty.
'Scholars Angus and Sorenson, your behaviour is unacceptable.' says the Abbot
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 10, 2010).]
I can't really say what's "best" since the two versions are very different and I don't know what your goal is. Nevertheless I'll try to be helpful
The A version focuses more on the viewpoint character and her?his? relationships, with less focus on any action or the relationship between the boys. It does with with less showing, more telling. You manage to pack in more information in this version.
The B version focuses more on the boys' relationship and less on the viewpoint character's. It does this by more showing, less telling. The action helps us show the boy's relationship, and the viewpoint character's reaction shows us her feelings about them. Her feelings seem to be more resigned (how can I break them up?) than sympathetic. You also don't try to 'pack in' so much information.
I like B more in terms of technique. On the other hand, in B I'm not sure where the Abbot came from. It sounds like he was there the whole time watching the whole fight.
I'd prefer something like B since it shows, not tells, and it raises more questions than it answers.
Nice work
PS In both versions you have some minor punctuation/grammatical items you may want to look at. For example, using single quotes ' instead of double quotes " for dialog, and some run-on sentences in version B.
That was really insightful thank you. The Abbot has a habit of being everywhere lol The narrator is male.
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 10, 2010).]