She dodged again and countered, only striking air as the mongrel passed. Then ducking, barely missing a snapping jaw over her head, she located the leader. She gave him another dose of the stimulating imagery and he lunged feral lust clouding his judgement. She leaned away thrusting the blade with precision into the animal's gut.
She had never been able to read Cailun, or any of the masters very well but now something was coming through. He was surprised, and then there was more.
'No not from him, he's just glad I'm not dead. That's all.'
It comforted her to believe this, even though she knew she was only kidding herself. It seemed impolite to feel this from him, and even more uncomfortable to know that he might be to able
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 18, 2010).]
She gave him another dose of the stimulating imagery and he lunged(,) feral lust clouding his judgement.
'No(,) not from him(, go with a period here) he's just glad I'm not dead.
It reads very exciting. Not seeing any sappy parts, TTTT.
You can email me at Patriciap1234@hotmail.com if you are interested in getting more feedback.
I think you, the author, are feeling more emotion in this scene than you are conveying with the words. That's why it feels "sappy" to you, even though it isn't. The same thing happened to me -- I felt such strong feelings between my characters that every romantic scene felt overblown, but I only felt that way because they were a part of me. None of my readers even mentioned the possibility of sappiness.
Your scene as posted here is actually so vague as to not even come across as romantic at all. I specifically mean this line: "He was surprised, and then there was more." More what? More surprise? More fighting? This is so little information that only your description of the scene as "romantic" tells me that it's supposed to be some kind of romantic feeling, although whether it's lust, love, passion, affection, I don't know. There's no indication of his facial expression to back it up, either.
It's much better to be clear exactly what emotions she feels coming from him. Without that, we don't understand her reaction. She feels disbelief and embarrassment, but *what* is it that she's disbelieving of and embarrassed about? And how can we sympathize with her feeling that way unless we see the cause?