Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Curse of Tongues

This is topic Curse of Tongues in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Teraen (Member # 8612) on :

Hi all. I've been on writing hiatus out of sheer busy-ness with a healthy dose of procrastination, coupled with a hard writer's block on how in the world to start my novel. I'm wondering if this works:

Archaelius felt a Whispering.

At first, the sensation was nothing more than unease in the back of his mind, as if they had taken the wrong way at the last fork in the road. He didn’t wish to pay it any heed. In fact, his first impulse was to simply ignore it as nothing more than a random thought which had crossed his mind.

Then, just as suddenly as the feeling struck him, it vanished. By the time he had taken his next step, he was already beginning to doubt he had felt anything at all.

Or is version 2 better?

Archaelius felt a Whispering.
On the trail in front of him, Master Triarius strode onward, oblivious to the subtle prompting. That struck him as odd. Surely his master should have felt something as well?
“Hurry up.” called Master Triarius from up ahead, “We can probably make it to Tarquinia before nightfall.”
Archaelius hadn’t even noticed that he had stopped walking. He decided to shrug off the impression. It was surely nothing more than a random thought which had crossed his mind.
No sooner did he start up after his master did the feeling return. It was more subtle this time, nothing more than unease in the back of his mind, as if they had taken the wrong way at the last fork in the road. He began to get the distinct feeling he was ignoring something he shouldn’t.

Genre is epic fantasy, in case anyone is curious...

[This message has been edited by Teraen (edited October 04, 2010).]

Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :

I thought version 2 was much better - I knew both characters much better, I felt the strange feeling was more immediate and I was immersed into the story where I wasn't in the first. The second one was quite well done.

quote:
No sooner did he start up after his master did the feeling return.

This sentence is a little awkward. “As soon as he started walking after his master, the feeling returned.” is a little better. Or perhaps cut it into two sentences. “He started walking again, following his master. The feeling flitted back into his mind.”

quote:
He began to get the distinct feeling he was ignoring something he shouldn’t.

The second use of the word “feeling” made me stop to work out what was happening. The repetition makes it sound either there is a second feeling or like you are starting again, and I couldn’t tell which it was.

[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited October 04, 2010).]

Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :

The second version hooked me. It's much more character building and flows better than the first.

I like the premise here, I'd read on

I have to disagree with Brendan here:

"No sooner did he start up after his master did the feeling return. "

This reads fine to me. I hear an educated voice in the narration and this sounds right on the money. Same with the second use of the word "feeling", it's something he's feeling. I don't see a problem.

It's all nicely written.

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited October 04, 2010).]

Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :

version 2. Loved it. You were kind enough to praise my work. Let me just say that I'm not returning the favor by praising yours. Good work!

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

I'm with pdblake, I enjoyed the 2nd version just the way it stands. Very nice opening.

Posted by coralm (Member # 9274) on :

I definitely liked version 2 more. Interesting enough to keep me reading with more emphasis on the main character.

I'm with Brendan about the "No sooner" sentence, it feels odd to me. I had to read it twice because I couldn't quite figure it out the first time. If you like the structure I think the clarity improves by switching to "then the feeling returned" at the end. I don't have an issue with the second use of feeling though.