Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Death Basin (Chapter 2 of the Holders of Urna)

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Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :

So, this is the opening chapter for a supporting character of mine. I've had a hard time writing from a Male voice. I think I've rewritten this thing like 4 times, and need help. Feel free to rip it apart! I'd really like full reads of the chapter as well.

A lifeless dirt hole.
It was still early, the sun barely crept over the gray peeks, but I’d seen enough evidence. The dry air chilled me as I surveyed the ruins scattered in pockets across the basin. I sat cold, uneasy.
It was more than the temperature or my parched throat that was getting to me. It was something significant. This world was not just devoid of people, or greenery; but from any recognizable power as well.
I hadn’t noticed it at first, at least I didn't think it would persist on such a scale. I couldn't trek my way out of the this dead zone, it had stretched on for days. I’d thought it was only the lack of life, or my unfamiliarity with this world. But now as

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Howdy, Jennywinnie,

As far as the male voice, I see no issues at all. If the rest is like this, you're home free.

I'll make a few nit-y comments aside from the voice:

It was still early, the sun.... Might want to start a new sentence. It's a run-on sentence as written.

peeks->peaks

...or greenery; but from any recognizable power as well. I couldn't get what you meant by 'any recognizable power'. If you're talking about natural power, you've mentioned the sun and its effects. If you're talking about creature power (such as human political power), there's no context for it here. Maybe that's because this is an interior chapter and an expectation was set up earlier. I guess by lack of power you mean a lack of life. (Also, I think the semicolon should be a comma.)

I couldn't trek... The start of another run-on sentence.

Good luck with it. Sounds good.

Posted by Amanda1199 (Member # 9295) on :

I like it. It sounds male to me as well. I realize it's later in your novel, so I'm missing some context, I think (discussed in previous post) in order to fully understand what's going on.

I'd almost nix the second sentence since the "was" didn't grab me. But if I read "A lifeless dirthole..." then skip to "The dry air chilled me..." I feel like I am more a part of the story from that point.

As a slight annoyance, there are quite a few sentences constructed with "was." I'd suggest rewriting a few to be more active and you'll engage me more.