Hatrack River Writers Workshop: revised query for the ghost book

This is topic revised query for the ghost book in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by AllyL (Member # 9246) on :

Being in love is complicated, especially when two boys are in love with you at the same time. Normally you’d choose between the two, but Annabelle Blake’s situation isn’t normal. Both boys share the same body. One boy’s a medium and the other boy died twenty years ago. The twisted geometry of this freakish love triangle is partly Annabelle’s fault, too. While researching local legends for a History project, she visited a deserted asylum and glimpsed its famous ghost. He followed her home.

When amateur medium Christian Silver meets Annabelle, he can see that she’s not alone. Christian tries to communicate with the spirit, but dangerously underestimates him. The relentless phantom starts taking possession of Christian’s body often and without warning. The spirit isn’t evil, though. He’s just desperate to find out what happened the night he died.

Annabelle returns to the abandoned hospital to search for clues. She finds the names of four people who are still alive and might know something about the boy’s death. What Annabelle doesn’t realize is that one of the four is his killer. The violent criminal is furious when he discovers that Annabelle’s investigating the crime he managed to keep hidden for so long. He hunts her down, thinking he’ll be able to silence her forever.

He doesn’t count on running up against two boys in one body who will do anything to protect the girl they love.

The Ghost of Him is an 110,000 word YA paranormal mystery, based on a true story and set in the Bridgewater Triangle, an area in Massachusetts famous for supernatural activity. It’s my first novel.

Thank you for your time.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

I think there's a lot of cool stuff here, but there's also a bit of a "this happens, this happens, this happens" rhythm to it. My suggestion would be to take a step back and remember what the book is *about* -- not what the plot is, or the events of the book, but what the book is about. I think you get there in many cases. "being in love is complicated, especially 2 at the same time..." and "He doesn't count on running up against 2 boys in 1 body..."

It's a mystery with a love story, right? Or a love story with a mystery, I suppose, since the love story seems the primary thing.

Based on a recent workshop I attended that focused on marketing novels, I've been including a bit about myself, more than just my (very limited) writing credits, but about me and why I write what I write (in my case I'm a female technology consultant, and I write YA sci-fi with girls as the main characters, so I talk about how i want to reach young women with cool characters they can relate to.)

I want to differentiate *my* book proposal in the slush pile from all the other yahoos who have written YA sci-fi, know what I mean? Make me somehow a little memorable, while still staying professional (I have heard many horror stories about manuscripts submitted in crayon and other crazy things.) So I suggest including something about yourself, even if it's only loosely related to the story you wrote - something that says - Hey! I'm a person, a neat interesting person who is not crazy and knows how to write a good letter and who you would like to work with over the next 18 months getting this book out to market!

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

Yeah. This would make a better synopsis, perhaps, than a query. Some of those details can wait.

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

But I really like it, and it could certainly be trimmed down and work as a query.

Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :

I think the first part about being in love with two boys at once sort of gives too much away. I think you should just start it with the bit about her going to the museum, and then the ghost following her home. That was very well done.