Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Holder of Earth: Prologue

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Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :

Here's the first 13 of the Prologue. Could use some readers for this and the 1st chapter. Would be happy to return the favor.

Cyrie opened the girl’s eyes and, for the first time in a hundred years, saw out into the night sky. It had taken awhile to find a human talented enough, who was willing. The last body she’d inhabited was burned – people didn’t always understand why she kept coming back. They called her ghost or witch. But that wasn’t close to what she really was.

‘We must live here?’

The girl had turned their head towards the scrubby cave mouth which dug deeply, permeated thick in volcanic gases.

‘For a time. But I will protect you from harm.’

‘Blessed be the spirits.’

She was right. They were blessed to have humans here matched perfect in their molecular composition to serve as hosts. This

Posted by DavidS (Member # 9303) on :

I really like the first sentence - nice and intriguing.
In the second sentence I think "awhile" should be two words, but I'd be inclined to substitute "time" there anyway. Feels like there should be an "and" before who as well.
Perhaps "had been burned" instead of "was burned".

"Permeated thick" doesn't quite work for me. Maybe something like "its atmosphere [or air] thick with volcanic gases.

The premise looks good. I'd be happy to take a look at the prologue and first chapter for you.

Posted by CharityBradford (Member # 8988) on :

Cyrie opened the girl’s eyes (even though this isn't a dream, agents hate it when a story starts with someone "waking up". You may want to reconsider where you start)and, for the first time in a hundred years, saw {I'd cut [out into]* the night sky. It had taken {passive, took is slightly better, but not much* awhile to find a human talented enough, who was willing. The last body she’d inhabited {cut [was]* burned – people {who? what people?* didn’t always understand why she kept coming back. They called her ghost or witch. But that {would "didn't come close" work better?*wasn’t close to what she really was.

‘We must live here?’

The girl {cut [had]* turned their head towards the scrubby cave mouth which dug deeply, permeated thick in volcanic gases. {the last bit was a bit confusing to read and pulled me out of the story.*

‘For a time. But I will protect you from harm.’

‘Blessed be the spirits.’

She was right. They were blessed to have humans here matched perfect in their molecular composition to serve as hosts. This

All in all I like the idea you have started here and would read more. You have the same problem I do with passive voice, but that's easy to work on. Intriguing.

Posted by melindabrasher (Member # 9373) on :

I love the way you use your pronouns to so simply show this dual occupancy of one body, and the premise is really interesting. I also really like these lines:

quote:

The last body she’d inhabited was burned – people didn’t always understand why she kept coming back. They called her ghost or witch. But that wasn’t close to what she really was.

There are some grammatical or stylistic things you could tighten up. As mentioned, "permeated thick" is redundant and awkward, and that whole sentence needs a second reading, which pushes your readers out of the story. How does a cave mouth dig deeply? Also the last sentence should read "perfectly" instead of "perfect." It's also confusing because it sounds like neither Cyrie nor the girl are human, but then the sentence makes no sense.

I'm assuming Cyrie says "We must live here," and the girl answers "For a time," but I'm not entirely sure. Put an attribution or otherwise clear that up.

As others have mentioned in other threads, many agents and editors don't like prologues. Any reason this couldn't be your first chapter? I think it's strong enough once you tighten a little, and definitely intriguing.

Posted by RSHACK (Member # 9346) on :

I like it! I would be interested in swapping first chapters if you like : )

Posted by J. N. Khoury (Member # 9361) on :

reminds me strongly of Stephanie Meyers' "The Host." Of course, with only 13 lines to go on, I could be a galaxy off.