“Let’s tell ghost stories. What do you think, Annabelle?” Without waiting for an answer, my two older brothers drag me into their room, close the door and turn off the lights. My oldest brother, Joe, pulls a book of matches from his pants pocket and lights one on the first try. He holds the flame to the wick of a lavender scented candle he smuggled in from our parents’ bathroom. Waving the blazing candle toward my face, he laughs his familiar, teasing laugh. I don’t flinch. I say what I always say. “I’m tellin’.” My brother Clement yanks on my long ponytail. “Ouch! Now I’m tellin’ on both of you.” But I don’t run and tell. If I leave I’ll miss the ghost story. My brothers don’t want me to leave, anyway; they find me
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 20, 2010).]
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
Like it. This is much more succinct than your first drafts. Good job.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
I like it too, and like the MC. In the minor category, this comma seems unneeded: ...before I run screaming, for my mother?
Posted by coralm (Member # 9274) on :
Overall I like it.
I'm thrown off by her use of "psychological experiment" that seems a little sophisticated compared to the rest of her voice.
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
Hmm, It is better than your first ones as I recall them but at the same time I'm not sure if it's better than you latest ones. It's hard for me to tell with some translation problems-not quite right symbols- but I think the grammar, punctuation are okay.
It may be time to just make a decision and go for it. It's up to you and how you feel about it. I know there have been times I wanted an opening to be just right but finally I just had to make a choice and run with it. Sometimes it's hard to tell what an editor would want anyway, there are certain "rules" such as good grammar and not so passive, to go by but at the same time it can be subjective since different editors have different tastes and story needs.
Posted by AllyL (Member # 9246) on :
I'm preparing to launch my magnum opus out into the cruel world again. These are the first 13. Last chance to show no mercy before I take the leap.
Four strong hands grab me and pull me into the room. The door whacks shut. “Let’s tell ghost stories. What do you think, Annabelle?” Without waiting for an answer, my two older brothers turn off the lights. My oldest brother, Joe, pulls a book of matches from his pants pocket and lights one on the first try. He holds the flame to the wick of a lavender scented candle he smuggled in from our parents’ bathroom. Waving the blazing candle toward my face, he laughs his familiar, teasing laugh. I don’t flinch. I say what I always say. “I’m tellin’.” “Shanghaied and hoodwinked again!” My brother Clement keeps lists of words he loves in an old shoebox. He yanks on my long ponytail. “Ouch! Now I’m tellin’ on both of you.” But I don’t run and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 20, 2010).]
Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
I like the first one better. The "four strong arms grabbing..." opening feels false. It makes the reader think she is in danger when really she isn't.
The first one is more honest IMO, and I think is really good.
