PROLOGUE

The boy understood little of what the grown-ups were saying.

His father, tall, lean, with a face the boy would soon forget, loomed high above him, deep in conversation with several other grown-ups the boy did not know. They were uninteresting people, like all grown-ups. He knew they were talking about him because they kept glancing down at him in that way grown-ups do when they are talking about you but not to you. He didn’t care. He was fascinated by the glowing pink roses around him. Well, they weren’t glowing really, just soaking in the morning sun that glimmered and shimmered down from a clear blue sky. He looked up at the sky, tilting himself backwards just far enough that he didn’t tip over. How high did the sky reach, anyway? he wondered. Did it have a top? Balancing on his heels, he gripped

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2011).]
 

I think one ought to question oneself as to why a prologue is needed, especially if you sat down to write the story and started with the prologue. What a prologue does best is show you the status quo ante for the MC. It show you McBain's idyllic family life before Mendoza killed them in his attempt on McBain's life (for you Simpsons fans out there). Or maybe it shows you that turning point at which the MC is tipped into the story (e.g. McBain goes into the house to get another steak just as his family is killed by Mendoza's grill-bomb). In any case, if it exists it ought to be short.

I think the objection they have is the objection I have to most prologues in manuscripts I've critted: the author has trouble getting the story into gear, and the prologue only makes that worse.

I also think you need to give us your pitch for this before we look at the canonical 13 lines.

My overall impression of this segment you've posted is that it is a bit too wordy for what it is supposed to accomplish. Too many impressions, too many thoughts to absorb. If you could narrow it down to "Rosebud" being whispered and a glass falling to the floor from a dead hand, that'd do better.

 

I've read that agents hate prologues, but like you said, so many books are published with them! Mine is only two pages, and was added after the rest of the ms was written.

But I think you're right. Too wordy (verbosity is a grave error I cannot seem to stop committing). I didn't know about the pitch thing. Here it is:

"Young Miles is torn from his life as a simple apprentice and entangled in the affairs of proud princes and lost princesses, mad kings and ancient powers, never dreaming that the greatest evil to be unleashed on the world is himself."

Should I start at chapter one instead? It goes something like:

"Miles stared at the dead sparrow lying in the dirt.

What had made the tiny creature fall from the sky, he wondered? Had it been struck by some larger, fiercer bird? Had it been sick, or simply old? Looking closer, he saw it was lying as if it had settled down to sleep. It looked almost peaceful, serene in its death. Had it known when it landed there beneath the weeds that it would never take to the sky again? He wondered how any creature, be it bird or man, could willingly go into death with such a look of tranquility and acceptance.

His thoughts chilled him, as though a cloud had passed over the sun, but when he looked up he saw the sky was clear and blue from end to end. Looking back down at the small feathered body of the sparrow, he decided he ought to bury it. Quickly, before

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2011).]
 

I often find prologues superfluous and I admit to usually skipping them when reading a novel.
 

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob
 

As for chapter one, decent start. The only feedback I have is that I am not a big fan of internal thought (dialogue) attribution. with a strong voice, this is unnecessary and in the second sentence I am already thrown off a little.

Your writing seems to carry itself, so good start and good luck with this novel!
 

For some reason I don't feel very connected to this character, or his situation, or who he's talking about. Mostly because:

A: He doesn't have a name, so he's just some random anybody
B: His father doesn't have a name, and isn't unusual or striking in any way that grabs my attention
C: The situation seems fairly ordinary and not very striking in any way.
D: The place is described but only in a very general way, the details don't really help me understand where he is. The sky means he's outside, flowers mean he's outside but that could be in a thousand different places, even if the description is pretty it doesn't orient me. It's so vague I feel like I'm floating around.

So either give them some names, start the story in a place where the situation is a bit more striking to the reader, or add some vivid descriptions of things so I can at least take this ordinary scenario in my head and give it some character. I don't really care what he's thinking, or what he won't remember until I know who, or at least where he is. Firmly place him in the moment:

...His shoe squeaked on the over polished floor. Crap! He lifted his shoe and underneath it sat a fat brownish scuff. Well, at least the grownups were to busy yapping to notice....

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. The prose itself is good, and might be interesting if it didn't feel so distant. It could be anyone, in any place, at any time, standing there look at nondescript people that he won't even bother to remember, so why should I?

Sure, it might be important to your plot for some reason, but I just don't think this is the best way to begin. Keep in mind that WE have no idea where you plan to go from here, and this needs to be the best representation of what the rest of the book is going to be like.

[This message has been edited by Jennywinnie (edited January 10, 2011).]
 

I do agree with other posters, however, that it could improve with a little paring down of the description. Also try to use "grown-up" less frequently.