Leofrick's eyes snapped open. The voice in his mind echoing again, tearing away his sleep. His entire body dripping with sweat. He sucked in deep breaths, trying to collect his senses.

He glimpsed at the two vials on the small dresser. Before bed he'd drank from both, emptied them down his throat in the certain knowledge their contents would bring on a comatose state. He should have slept all through the night. The time bands on the candle, indicated no more than an hour had passed.

Frozen in a grotesque parody of flight, its wings still, a moth hung a hairs breadth from the motionless candle flame, transfixed, a heartbeat from an incandescent death.

Thank you
 

I'd skip the first paragraph altogether, and begin with "Leofrick looked at the two vials on the small dresser."

That paragraph is a mild hook for me; the last line of your excerpt makes me really want to read on.

A few nits: "glimpsed at" is odd, if not incorrect, usage.

"he'd drunk", not drank.

"candle indicated" (no comma).

"a hair's breadth" (add apostrophe).

[This message has been edited by Grayson Morris (edited January 20, 2011).]
 

I'm not sure if this one has me hooked just yet. It feels forced, like you're trying to introduce things mysteriously, like the moth and the vials.

I'd personally like it more if it were structured differently, with the conflict more obvious, so that I have a reason to stick with the rest of the sleepy beginning.

"Leofrick should have slept all through the night. The time bands on the candle indicated no more than an hour had passed."

That, as a beginning, hooks me better. Your words, just restructured. I personally don't care about his groggy thoughts or echoing voices.

Sorry... this critique is really biased against the "waking up" style of starting a story, but I WILL give that kind of beginning a chance if it's really good. Hunger Games had a "wake up beginning" and I was hooked because the character woke up with purpose. Yours just feels like it's trying to say too much backstory with the voices and the vials.

The moth part IS interesting, but I'm already in "generic waking-up beginning" la la land to focus on it too much.

Hopefully this is helpful!
 

Cheers