An elderly man was looking into the stars. With his right elbow, he leaned on the windowsill wearing a distressed face and to his left laid a black crystal ball. A soft summer night breeze swam gently around him. His golden crown rested on his thin white hair combed to the side. The gems of his crown sparkled at the scintillating stars.
“Do you truly think this is what it’s come to?” Superior Kaswer said in a low voice still staring at the stars of the clearly lit night.
“It’s not something I want to do, Superior. It’s what must be done,” Queen Naomi said, remaining seated in front of the older man’s desk. Queen Naomi wore a crown much smaller than Superior Kaswer’s. Her crown was dazzling light pink without any
I got a chance to edit this a little bit so the comments from earlier applied more before my editting. I also added the more information to my introductory paragraph.
Thanks for all the comments.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 25, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by YNRedef (edited February 12, 2011).]
Respectfully,
Dr. Bob
[This message has been edited by History (edited January 25, 2011).]
Thanks Again,
Nathan
quote:
Mrs. Woodbury, what do you think such changes are dependant on?
I'm not clear on what you're asking, YNRedef. If you want to know why I cut your "13 lines" where I did, you need to read this topic.
Reading the other topics in the PLEASE READ HERE FIRST area as well, might be a good idea.
I did not find the opening "a strong hook", though you introduce evidence of an as yet unexpalained conflict in the brief dialog between your two characters. I suspect this would be clarified and strengthened in the subsequent paragraphs.
When visiting bookstores recently, I randomly select books to read their opening paragraph. Most do not have what I consider "a strong hook", particularly novels. I find the back cover blurbs attempt to serve this purpose. However, I prefer to avoid reading the back covers for fear of spoiling the story.
There are some exceptions, of course. Host Orson Scott Card's opening line to his ENDER"S GAME is considered one of the best hooks in sf. I have found Jim Butcher's THE DRESEDEN FILES to consistently open with very strong hooks (e.g. "The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault!")
I attempted to do the same at the opening of THE KABBALIST.
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum26/HTML/000929.html
Of course, even with a great hook, the dilemma I discovered is how to keep the reader on the line--i.e. continuing to read. Going from a great hook to scene set-up, character introduction, and conflict development slows the pace/flow of one's story for today's Facebook/Twitter/Iphone info-saturated ADHD readers, who may then "get away."
I'm told Anne Rice's INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE was crafted with a godd hook at the beginning of the first page, the end of the first page, and the top of the second page that kept her subsequent agent reading.
Whatever you do. Have fun with it.
Respectfully,
Dr. Bob
[This message has been edited by History (edited January 27, 2011).]
Thanks again!
Nathan
You really should only include things in your story that you absolutely need to include (or to paraphrase OSC: everything in your story should be able to fight for the right to be included--anything that can't fight and win that right should be deleted).
For example, in the above first 13 lines, the repetition of the leaning on the windowsill would not be justified and so one or the other of the two references should be deleted.
Another example: would this elderly man named "Superior Kaswer" really call "Queen Naomi" by her title in the circumstances of the scene (which does not appear to be a formal setting), and would she call him by his title ("Superior" is a title, right, and not his name? If it is his name, would she call him by his full name either) in this situation?
The titles, in dialogue, most likely could not fight for the right to be in the story and probably should be deleted, especially since the names, with titles included, are given immediately after the dialogue.
You have to watch for redundancies as well as for information that may or may not be crucial enough to the story to be included.
I hope this helps.