quote:
From her desk at the front of the command tent, Casora watched the group of riders approaching. Even at her desk, she wore the regulation leathers and enough of her armor to disguise her slender body. By reflex, she reached for her helmet to hide her face as well. There was good reason for the code requiring that no one outside the war band ever saw the face of an Immortal.The tent stood on a little rise overlooking the camp, where the flag bearing a circle of seven stars on a dark blue ground could be seen for miles around. It was also above most of the mud, although the smell of wet earth, damp horses, and manure still reached her on the stiff breeze that whipped the flag above her.
Newer Opening:
quote:
From her desk at the front of the command tent, Casora watched the group of riders approaching. The tent stood on a little rise overlooking the camp, where the flag bearing a circle of seven stars on a dark blue ground could be seen for miles around. It was also, fortunately, above most of the mud, although the smell of wet earth, damp horses, and manure still reached her on the stiff breeze that whipped the flag above her.The breeze also helped to keep her cool even in the regulation leathers under the armor that disguised her slender body. By reflex, she reached for her helmet to hide her face as well. Better that their employers or their enemies not learn that half of the celebrated war band nicknamed the Immortals was female, let alone how young most of them were.
Revised Opening:
quote:
From her desk at the front of the command tent, Casora watched the group of riders approaching. The tent stood on a little rise overlooking the camp, where the flag bearing a circle of seven stars on a dark blue ground could be seen for miles around. Casora could see most of the tents from here, laid out in orderly rows on either side of the central road. More importantly, she had a good view of anyone arriving at the camp long before they reached her.Like all the Immortals, she already wore her armor, disguising her slender body. By reflex, she reached for her helmet to hide her face as well. Better that their employers not learn that half of the celebrated war band was female, let alone how young most of them were.
Previous opening:
quote:
From her desk at the front of the command tent, Casora watched the group of riders approaching. Like all the Immortals, she already wore her armor, disguising her slender body. By reflex, she reached for her helmet, relaxing when she recognized the riders as replacements. No need to hide her face from other Astraeans. That was only for outsiders.Instead, she began automatically assessing the way they sat their horses and carried their spears. The tent stood on a little rise overlooking the camp, where the flag bearing a circle of seven stars on a dark blue ground could be seen for miles around. Casora could see most of the tents from here, laid out in orderly rows on either side of the central road. More importantly, she had a good view of anyone arriving at the camp long before they reached her.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited April 28, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited June 19, 2011).]
quote:
nice! got slightly hung up on the word replacements - wasn't sure if this described a specific group (like that movie with ... Denzel Washington?) or if it simply referred to some people who were replacing other people, in which case, seems, like it needs to say whom they are replacing. No big, but it did make me pause for a moment. I also wondered why she was wearing armor if she was immortal, but sounds like it was more disguise than anything. Is that correct?
Thanks. This still a bit rough, obviously.
Part of the premise is that this war band/mercenary band is called The Immortals. They wear armor and helmets with face plates that make them look pretty much all the same to outsiders and the band always has the same number of members. No member can go home until a replacement is sent for them. So the band, in a way, is immortal and outsiders never know how long any one member has served--or even who the members are.
I don't mind if those questions hang for a few pages, but they should be mostly answered in the first couple of chapters.
Something that did trip me:
Instead, she began automatically assessing the way they sat their horses and carried their spears.
Um... you're telling us what she did, but no information derives from that statement.... I'd think a professional warrior would think more like... sloppy bunch, when did they last polish off the rust? or don't they ever groom those horses? or where'd they find so much mud? -- anyway, something more specific, so we actually see her evaluation rather than just being told about it. This would help set HER level of expertise compared to whoever else.
Otherwise the Immortals didn't really trip me up. I am familiar with the concept from history, so that may be why. But you can definitely let that hang for a bit.
For the same reason, replacements arriving did not bother me either.
quote:
agree. I would rather know what she assessed then being told she assessed.
Otherwise the Immortals didn't really trip me up. I am familiar with the concept from history, so that may be why. But you can definitely let that hang for a bit.For the same reason, replacements arriving did not bother me either.
That's where the inspiration came from.
Below are my thoughts. Take what you want, I mean no harm, and tend to rewrite or edit, when I dont know the words to explain what I am thinking.
quote:
From her desk at the front of the command tent, Casora watched the group of riders approaching[approach?]. Like all the Immortals, she already wore her armor, disguising her slender body.[I might consider putting this in a touch later, when the replacemnets come. I am assuming that they are wearing armor already as she tells in an instant they are replacements. It would fit might fit more naturally] By reflex,[cut, She] she reached for her helmet, [then relaxed]relaxing when she recognized the riders as replacements. No need to hide her face from other Astraeans. That was only for outsiders.Instead, she began [cut, Automatically, she accessed ...(I also agree, I want to see the accessing, lets me into her eye, know her better]automatically assessing the way they sat their horses and carried their spears. The tent stood on a little rise overlooking the camp, where the flag bearing a circle of seven stars on a dark blue ground could be seen for miles around. Casora could see most of the tents from here, laid out in orderly rows on either side of the central road. More importantly, she had a good view of anyone arriving at the camp long before they reached her.
Well, obviously I was in the cutting mood, sorry. Words like Instead and began, can be cut for more decisive sounding action, which I think you were going for. That she didnt waste time. The by reflex, again I believe was going for showing her skill, and no nonsense actions. I would rather have it shown, then told. And I think you are so close to doing it.
From behind her desk at the front the captain's tent, she saw the riders approach. She stood, reached for her helmet, but relaxed, the glint off the armor, marking the rider as the never-ending replacements of the Immortals. there was no mistaken the armor, it never changed all the same as the suit she wore, covering her slender frame.
You got a great start here.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited February 06, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited February 06, 2011).]
I found the Immortal thing confusing, but it looks like that was covered.
My suggestion is to make sure you get another sense involved. Here's what I mean:
"watched - recognized - hide her face - assessing - overlooking - seen - see - view"
I felt it was eye overload.
I'm not even talking necessarily about the first 13 as I know you can't cram everything into them, but more of a suggestion not to forget about them, or weave them in. (I'm sure you have, but remember I'm just going by these first 13)
The flag flapped in the wind.
The dust the horses/riders kicked up dust into her nostrils.
The heat from the sun saturated her armor in sweat.
Just fun stuff like that.
Axe
The last took the mystery out of the opening when I knew who was already coming. The first had too much description and I got a bit bored with that. I didn't care about the horses and the manure-it was flat.
I was intrigued when she covered her face to hide her gender from a possible enemy that may take advantage of the situation. I was waiting to see the character win in an impossible situation. That had me hooked.
If i read this in the store, I would buy the book.
Openings –Remember, editors are looking for a reason to reject your submission. So, don’t give them that opportunity.
Make your reader curious, care, fear or worry about your viewpoint character in your opening. Consider starting with Casora’s interaction with the riders, let us into her mind and share her fears and worries (is there a battle coming? If so, use that as a ‘fear’ source). Once you have your reader ‘hooked,’ then give us the ‘who, what, where & when,’ and other back story material needed to carry the plot forward.
===================
Best first two sentences I've read here. I've edited the rest a lot. The by reflex sets up your conflict. What she does next should show a lot more of her character. Your description of the area can come later. I want to know how she speaks...to hide her self.. maybe some reflection about why she has to act like a man. Lots of potential irony for this.
Notice I cut enemy. Pick one... you, the writer, know who is riding up. No need to hide it from the reader...get us ready for conflict and deceit.
I hope this helps.
quote:
By reflex, she reached for her helmet to hide her face as well.
I wasn't sure what this was connected to in the latest version of the hook. Was her reflex a reaction to the breeze? It is separated by 4 sentences from the approach of the riders. I liked the middle part about setting, but by separating the actions it disconnects them logically.
Also:
quote:
It was also, fortunately, above most of the mud, although the smell of wet earth, damp horses, and manure still reached her on the stiff breeze that whipped the flag above her.
There are too many commas in this one for it to flow as I read it. I think if you got rid of the ", fortunately," it would be enough, as the only pauses would come in the "A, B, and C" part that feels more natural to read.
Fortunately, just a bit of rearranging takes care of it.
Newest version above.
And after reading the rest, and the comments so far, I can see where you've applied each piece of advice, and you've done a good job. The smells on the breeze, the mud, the flapping flag, all serve to ground me well in the setting.On the first read through, I got a little hung up on a few lines that seemed unnecessary to me, like "enough of her armor to disguise her slender body," but now that I know the reason, it seems to work. I'm sure if the things you've explained here also get addressed in the first few pages, it'll work out fine.
One bit I liked better in a previous version was the "assessing" of the new troops. It keeps the flow of action better, immediately addressing the approaching riders instead of taking a long breath to look around and admire the view. I'd rather stay with where Casora's attention is focused, and take a good look around in another paragraph or two. Of course, as has been mentioned, you should follow up Casora's assessment with some kind of judgement, something to keep me firmly rooted in the *now* of what's happening. How *do* they sit their horses and carry their spears? Is one of them fidgety, proving him to be particularly green and nervous? Is the lead rider aggressive or subservient when he or she addresses Casora? (Is Casora, by the way, actually in command, or just a secretary? At a desk "at the front" of the command tent . . . is it just inside or just outside? Such a detail will be answered shortly within the text, I'm sure . . . )
Oh, that reminds me, I did think you could cut "From her desk the first time, since you mention the desk in the next breath.
quote:
From the front of the command tent, Casora watched the group of riders approaching. Even at her desk . . .
The "no one gets to see the face of an Immortal" line had me very intrigued. Of course my imagination went all sorts of places with that, before I read below and found out what it really meant . . . but it was definitely a hooking line. And the real meaning is fun, too, and not at all what I'd expected (being not much for history, myself.) I'd definitely read on, overall. I like the feel, and can tell I would learn and enjoy a lot in the upcoming details and storyline. So, props.
That is I assume the Still Newer Opening is the current version.
The second paragraph isn't as good but it's not bad. To me the second sentence is a bit overly complicated.
I kinda miss the breeze though. I thought that added a nice detail about her and pulled us into the story more.