Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Put a Spell on You

This is topic Put a Spell on You - WIP in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by redux (Member # 9277) on :

Lately, I have been experimenting with different genres and I started toying with a Young Adult/New Adult Paranormal/Romance idea. It started as a writing prompt, tongue-in-cheek, and I ended up writing close to 4,900 words. It is still in its early rough stages but I would like to receive feedback on what I have so far. I am willing to do chapter exchange as well.

Quick Back-story:

quote:
Emma Barret is an 17/18 year old witch in modern day Vermont. Her friends, also witches, all came down with mononucleosis, at least their parents think so. They actually ran afoul an incubus. So Emma decides to summon an ancient Warlock for a quick tête-à-tête but instead ends up accidentally resurrecting him.

Here are the first 13:

quote:
With a dusting of powdered chalk still clinging to her fingertips, Emma Barret summoned a man at midnight.
He was still half formed. The dark tendrils of her magic had pierced through the Veil, cloaking his body and winding themselves into his black hair, but they had yet to bring him whole into this world. The air crackled with energy, causing the soft down of her arms to stand on end.
Emma stood perfectly still within the inscribed pentagram of the magic circle. So long as she was inside it she knew she would be protected from all evil. She glanced at the lines of the triangle she had drawn outside of it and for a fleeting moment she feared she would not be able to contain...

Basically, I would like to know whether to continue investing time and effort into this storyline or if I should find myself another genre better suited to my style.

Anyone takers?

Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :

I am not familiar with the genre, but it seems like an interesting idea and the hook is good.

You're asking if you should continue this WIP, and I say you should. If nothing else writing something different for you will be a learning experience that can only improve your writing in whatever genre.

Posted by akeenedesign (Member # 7816) on :

An interesting hook! I'd read on.

The only qualms I have are nit-picky ones, so keep that in mind:

1) "He was still half formed"
"still" makes me think something isn't happening. Like, I told my dog to stay in the kitchen, and then 5 minutes later he was still in the kitchen. Maybe you could say "He was just half formed" and then you can take out "but they had yet to bring him whole into this world." "Just" makes me feel like it's still in the process of happening. Also, removing it takes away the repetition of using "still" in the first sentence of the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.

2) "So long as she was inside it she knew she knew she would be protected from all evil."
This is a very emotionless "tell" where you might be able to put in a bit of emotion and early character development. Is she nervous, and has to remind herself that she's safe? Is she arrogant in her confidence in the circle's protection? Does she know this from a book, or does she know this from summoning people before?

Hope that helps!

Posted by sfedders (Member # 9448) on :

I'd love to read more if you have it. "the soft down of her arms" was a great line in particular.

Posted by redux (Member # 9277) on :

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm definitely taking everything into consideration - and I agree about the "still" - it really is a "non-action-y" sort of word.

sfedders - I sent you what I've written so far.