Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Haven

This is topic Haven in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Natej11 (Member # 8547) on :

Hey guys, these are the first thirteen lines for my current WIP. It's an epic-style fantasy that's probably going to have several books. Let me know if you have any insights on possible improvements. (Also if anyone's interested in swapping a few chapters for critique I'd love to.)

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“Give your mark,” the grizzled soldier said. His kata, the knee-length cloth wrapped around his waist and tied with a cord, had leather strips hanging off the cord all around. They were probably just meant to look good, since Cav had difficulty imagining those flimsy hanging strips protecting the man. His leather breastplate, on the other hand, was certainly more than just decorative.

Cav hesitantly took up the quill. He'd seen the recruit in front of him dip it in the ink, so he did that too. The parchment the recruiting officer pointed to was full of what looked like chicken scratches, as if everyone's “mark” was just a line drawn on paper. Maybe it was; Cav couldn't read, why should any of the others be able to?

[This message has been edited by Natej11 (edited March 16, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 17, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Natej11 (edited March 17, 2011).]

Posted by EmilyS (Member # 9447) on :

The word "kata" threw me, since in conjunction with the soldier, it made me think of the martial arts meaning of the word.

It took until the second paragraph for me to figure out what was going on. I think changing it to "Make your mark" might help, and maybe moving up mention of the parchment. Something like: "Make your mark." The grizzled recruiting officer stabbed a finger at the parchment. His kata...

Also, one last nit, I'd get rid of the second "hanging", and just leave it as "flimsy strips".

Posted by Natej11 (Member # 8547) on :

How about something like this?

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"Set your mark," the grizzled soldier said, tapping the parchment with an expression that somehow managed to convey deep boredom and intense irritation at the same time. As if he thought recruitment duty was beneath him. Judging by the fineness of his kata, the knee-length cloth wrapped around his waist and tied with a cord, perhaps it was. The cord tying it had strips of leather hanging down that looked more for appearance than utility, though his leather breastplate was certainly more than just decorative.

[This message has been edited by Natej11 (edited March 17, 2011).]

Posted by EmilyS (Member # 9447) on :

I like it. It definitely draws me into the story faster.

Posted by Tryndakai (Member # 9427) on :

Second attempt is definitely better. Giving the guard a hint of personality, and adding concrete details like "the fineness of his kata," sets the scene much more solidly.

The one thing I don't like about it is the "dictionary definition" moment of

quote:
his kata, the knee-length cloth wrapped around his waist and tied with a cord . . .

since we're in Cav's pov, it's unlikely that he'd find the need to pause and define the word for himself, ya know? You can get the meaning of the word in there more slyly, by saying such things as "his skirt-like kata" or "the kata came just to his knees" . . . or whatever. So we get the idea, without the blatant aside.

And I do particularly like the way Cav knows what to do because he was watching those before him--conveys a nice touch of nervousness. And that Cav can't read. Really just sets the scene for me. I'm seeing a scraggly bunch of ill-kempt farmers shuffling nervously and scratching at their fleas as they wait in line . . . which may or may not be entirely accurate to the scene in *your* head, but it's nice and immersive for me, for now.
Good stuff.

Posted by Natej11 (Member # 8547) on :

Your take on the scene, a bunch of ragged peasants lined up to sign on, is pretty much dead-on

. I'm glad I managed to convey that without needing to specifically describe it, although a description is soon to come.

You make a good point about the kata's description. I thought it was necessary since we don't know what a kata is and without that description the rest of it would make less sense.

However thinking about it more I think I might have a more subtle way to explain it. Not long after this Cav meets someone wearing a "full kata", sort of the kilt-like garment but which also partially covers the chest and back and ties over one shoulder like a toga. I could toss in the regular kata's description when I describe that. Here's how it looks omitting the descriptive line entirely, and I think it's still understandable in context.

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"Set your mark," the grizzled soldier said, tapping the parchment with an expression that somehow managed to convey deep boredom and intense irritation at the same time. As if he thought recruitment duty was beneath him. Judging by the fineness of his kata perhaps it was; the cord tying it was weighted with strips of leather hanging down to his knees which looked more for appearance than utility. Although his leather breastplate was certainly more than just decorative.

[This message has been edited by Natej11 (edited March 20, 2011).]