Hatrack River Writers Workshop: BLOOD WILL TELL, New First Chapter

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Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

It was pointed out, I think fairly, that it might be nice if BLOOD WILL TELL started out as more of an urban fantasy, since that's what it is and what I call it in the query. (Early on, the story does take a detour through an alternate world before returning to the "real" one.)

So, I'm writing a new first chapter. Here are the first 13:

quote:
Valeriah let the droning voices wash over her, ignoring them. Politicians and businessmen, they could talk more and say less than any ten other groups. Fortunately, it wasn't her job to listen to it.
She scanned the crowd again. She couldn't see anything out of place, but her instincts were screaming at her that something was wrong. Sight could be deceiving, so she submerged herself in her other senses. Senses that were sharper than a human's.
There! The sharp scent of fear. That was out of place on a sunny day at the opening ceremony for a new high school science lab, sponsored by Towers Technology. Circulating inconspicuously through the crowd, Valeriah let her nose lead her to the source. The man didn't look like much, but weapons could be a great leveler.

Posted by Josephine Kait (Member # 8157) on :

Nits:
…her job to listen to it. – replace “it” with “them” or something more descriptive.
…couldn’t see anything... – replace “couldn’t” with “didn’t”
That was…out of place…on a sunny day…at the opening ceremony…for a new high school science lab,…sponsored by Towers Technology. – it’s a bit long but doesn’t tip over the edge until “…sponsored by Towers Technology"
…but weapons could… - recommend adding a modifier to “weapons”, “concealed” comes to mind but almost any descriptor would do

Her name, Valeriah, is so similar to Valerian that my mind automatically converts it. This is quite creative if intentional, as Valerian is a flower with medicinal/sedative/calming properties. The only reason I ask is because it looks like one of those names that writers pick just because they like the unusual way it sounds. (I’ve used a few of those myself, but I’m still in the humble “wannabeawriter” stage.)

All nits and impertinent questions aside, I like the flavor and you deftly place us in a UF story with good potential. I like, and would definitely keep reading. I was hooked but good as soon as I hit “sharper than a human’s.” Of course I am a bit of a sucker for good UF, but still, nicely placed.

[This message has been edited by Josephine Kait (edited March 18, 2011).]

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Thanks. I finally wrote a hook!

Only took me three years.

Names: Most of my other-than-normal characters have names that are just slightly off from regular names:

Rayan instead of Ryan, Danal instead of Daniel, etc.

Valeriah (rhymes with Mariah) is actually an old family name (a great-great aunt). But I've always liked it and decided this was the place to use it. I also use Aunt Valeriah's nickname: Vallie, but only for people who are really close to her.

Posted by enigmaticuser (Member # 9398) on :

I think I'd second what Josephine said, and would say you hooked me on a personality level when you made the comment about politicans saying more and less. It also set the stage, of someone whose not really there for the ceremony but looking for something. Perhaps a fantastical version of Secret Service or something?

Posted by Drock0211 (Member # 9459) on :

Hi Meredith. Just a few things that I noticed:

Politicians and businessmen, they could...
Delete ",they". Grammatically and for sake of reading flow,
saying "...businessmen could talk..." reads smoother.

She couldn't see anything out of place
Use 'didn't' rather than 'couldn't. Also, is it that she's
not seeing anything out of place or is it that she doesn't
feel anything out of place?

But her instincts were screaming (at her that something was wrong)
This last part is already implied with her not seeing
anything out of place. We already conclude that her
instincts are heightened and suspicious.

There! The sharp sense of fear.
Using the exclamation here feels over done. This is coming
across to me as though the protagonist is, at first, not
detecting anything out of the ordinary, yet after a moment
something comes to tease her senses. I get that sensing a
feeling would kind of be like baking cookies in the
kitchen and as you're sitting in the living room, the scent
slowly creeps into the room. It's a dawning of scent
rather than a slap in the face.

So she submerged herself in her other senses. Senses that were
sharper than a human's.
A semi colon should be used in place of the period, yet to
take this a step further, this is the second time a sentence
has 'hitched', I imagine for a play at dramatic effect.
It would come off less like trying too hard if it's simply
stated "She submerged herself in her sharper than human
senses."

I don't mean to put you off. These are of my humble opinion. I only mean to help.

Overall, you've hinted that there is much more to come, and given that she is more than human has me curious. I would want to read on with interest.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

quote:
think I'd second what Josephine said, and would say you hooked me on a personality level when you made the comment about politicans saying more and less. It also set the stage, of someone whose not really there for the ceremony but looking for something. Perhaps a fantastical version of Secret Service or something?

Close, she's a bodyguard for someone who plays both sides of the street--the normal world (here) and the magical one (to which she rightfully belongs).

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

My only nit on this is the exclamation "There!" For me it would work better if it read,

There. The sharp scent of fear was out of place...

Otherwise it gives me the opinion that Valeriah is a flighty overdramatic non-human, which is fine if that what she is, but it plays against the bodyguard persona.

I think if you calmly mention the sharp scent of fear, then the dread will come not from what is going to happen to V, but what is she going to do.

But I like this opening better.
Good work,
~Sheena

Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :

I loved the first three lines. It gave me a smile.

I also go all the bodyguard references, but I am familiar with the work to some degree.

I think most of the grammatical nits have been pointed out already.

Good first 13.

Edited for my own grammatical nits

[This message has been edited by EVOC (edited March 30, 2011).]