Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Query for THE HEIRESS OF RHIANGAR

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Posted by J. N. Khoury (Member # 9361) on :

I didn't know people posted queries on here! I'm posting only the synopsis paragraph of my query, as that's the part I need the most help with. Thanks muchly in advance! (I'll add that this is a YA fantasy)
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When it comes to princesses, apprentice gardener Miles has the worst of luck. Crown Princess Rosamelia—whom Miles has loved since childhood—barely acknowledges his existence. Her younger sister Brianette, on the other hand, is all too aware of Miles, and is determined to make him her latest secret romance. But dodging the flirtatious princess becomes the least of Miles’ worries when Brianette is kidnapped in the night and Rosamelia’s hand is promised to whatever nobleman rescues her. Miles is certain he knows who is behind the crime, but when no one will believe him, he sets out to rescue Brianette himself. Rosamelia, who refuses to be handed off as a prize, resolves to rule her own destiny and joins Miles on his quest. The two form a begrudging alliance with an insufferable prince out to win glory and a spirited thief outrunning a noose, and together the four must face pirate slavers, child prophets, exiled gods, and an army of dragons if they are to save Brianette.

[This message has been edited by J. N. Khoury (edited May 08, 2011).]

Posted by Wonderbus (Member # 9494) on :

Not much to say on this one other than I like it. It gives off a kind of 'Princess Bride' vibe which I love.

My only suggestion might be to change "whatever nobleman" to "whichever nobleman".

I love that last sentence--it really makes this sound as though it is an exciting, adventurous book.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

First, I'm going to pass on the two best pieces of query advice I've read (on agent's blogs)

From Query Shark:

The query has to answer three questions:

Who is the main character and why should we care?
What choice does he have to make?
What are the consequences of that choice?

From Kristen Nelson:
The query doesn't have to cover the whole story. It only needs to go as far as the inciting incident (usually the first 30 to 50 pages).

quote:
When it comes to princesses, apprentice gardener Miles has the worst of luck. Crown Princess Rosamelia—whom Miles has loved since childhood—barely acknowledges his existence. Her younger sister Brianette, on the other hand, is all too aware of Miles, and is determined to make him her latest secret romance. I like this, but I think it could be tightened some. I'd focus more on his hopeless love for Roasamelia and perhaps less on the flirtatious younger sister. But dodging the flirtatious princess becomes the least of Miles’ worries when Brianette is kidnapped in the night and Rosamelia’s hand is promised to whatever nobleman rescues her. Miles is certain he knows who is behind the crime, but when no one will believe him, he sets out to rescue Brianette himself. Okay, this is the inciting incident. This is where Miles makes his choice. More about what Miles hopes to accomplish. Is this his one chance to win Rosamelia, even though he's only a gardener? Rosamelia, who refuses to be handed off as a prize, resolves to rule her own destiny and joins Miles on his quest. The two form a begrudging alliance with an insufferable prince out to win glory and a spirited thief outrunning a noose, and together the four must face pirate slavers, child prophets, exiled gods, and an army of dragons if they are to save Brianette. And here, instead of the list of sidekicks and adventures, you might do better to use the stakes, instead. What will happen if Miles fails?

By the way, are you sure this is YA? The query reads closer to MG to me.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited May 08, 2011).]

Posted by J. N. Khoury (Member # 9361) on :

thanks for the comments. I thought a good bit about whether to aim for MG or YA, but the age of the characters (16-17) makes it YA, and after the inciting incident things get a bit darker, though without losing the voice (hopefully) of the first chapters. Plus, the romance storyline did not seem to me to be particularly MG. While in middle school I--though I may have been an exception--still thought boys had cooties.

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

I like this. The query makes me want to read the book.

My only suggestion is:

quote:
The two form a begrudging alliance with an insufferable prince out to win glory and a spirited thief outrunning a noose, and together the four must face pirate slavers, child prophets, exiled gods, and an army of dragons if they are to save Brianette.

This doesn't really add, and is not strong enough of a finish for me. I suggest cutting this sentence and focus more on the stakes. What happens if Miles fails? What will he lose, and how hard will it be for him to succeed?

Good luck with this.