Hatrack River Writers Workshop: first 13 rewrite/The Ancients emerge

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Posted by Craig (Member # 7899) on :

I had to try again, it's an addiction and the twitches are beging to set in.
New first 13 of first chapter of a series.
The Ancient's Emerge...I know Ancient's is overused, but I think you would understand why, further in.
Thanks in advance

I couldn't remember the last time a foot of snow blanketed northern Maine as early as mid October, but here it was and here I was sitting on a stump next to a cold fire-pit at the edge of a potato field talking to myself. "You're losing it Garic, you need help, this is the twenty-first century and there are no such things as dream walkers."{i*I gave my word!{i*
"You gave your word to a red bearded elf in a dream you idiot, get real."{i* Those were no ordinary dreams and I gave my word.{i*I sighed and glanced up at the cloudless sky looking for any anomaly, but saw zip.
{i*What did he mean? I'm the one who sheds the blood and sets them free{i*"It doesn't make sense. Why me? I'm just an eighteen-year-old nobody. Why not somebody else? I know, a navy seal,they got bin Laden.

[This message has been edited by Craig (edited May 26, 2011).]

Posted by TMR Beste (Member # 9509) on :

"the edge of a potato field talking to myself."
I wonder if there is another verb that you could use besides 'talking'. I know you used gibber-jabber earlier and I objected to this verb (Is that a verb?).....but maybe substitute another colorful verb that is believable for this age? your jibber-jabber was colorful, lively, but i thought simply unbelievable in this age group.

"{i*I gave my word!{i*
Not sure what those strange bracket things mean-I assume Italics

a nit pick--red-bearded? I wonder if this should be hyphenated-not sure.

anomaly-still don't like this word 'anomaly'. It leaves me wondering what is he looking for in the sky? i can't figure out if its strange clouds or something else. He is worried about something in the sky AND about giving blood. Hmmm.

"What did he mean? I'm the one who sheds the blood and sets them free" I am not sure my reaction to this....on one hand I am a bit intrigued, on the other hand this seems out of place and out of flow and takes me out of the sequence too much and also, this does not make sense.
"{i*"It doesn't make sense." IMHO, replace the word 'it' with 'none of this' or something more exacting in that vein that the eighteen-year-old character would say. I have a personal vendetta against the word 'it', unless using it is unavoidable.

""Why me? I'm just an eighteen-year-old nobody. Why not somebody else?" I know, a navy seal, *after all* they got bin Laden."

comments: just a thought, but if this is a supernatural story, wouldn't he ask for a supernatural replacement for himself? I don't know. I don't know the rest of the story.
Somehow in this version, you have lost a bit of the character's voice. I think mostly because of your verb choice. I think also, this may be because you are now thinking too much about how to write these thirteen lines instead of just writing what you see the character doing. Maybe because i nitpicked your thirteen lines to death !!
Sorry.

Posted by Craig (Member # 7899) on :

I thank you TMR and pulling the 13 apart doesn't bother me.
I know what you mean though about the word talking, maybe muttering?
As for the supernatural part, at this point in book he has no clew he is different.
Well as I've had to do before, I'm leaving the 13 alone for awhile and concentrating on getting more of the book down.
Thanks again for the help and if you want me to look at something I will be glad to.

Posted by mbwood (Member # 9525) on :

Hello, Craig;

Please, do make your reader curious, care, fear or worry about your viewpoint character in your opening. Forgive me, but your opening sentence is, well, a little weird. In addition, it’s a setting, and unless your name is James Lee Burke, setting openings are risky – tough to excite the reader & tough to get past editors.

Consider an opening where Garic has a gut-twisting conversation with your red-bearded elf who forces Garic to make some kind of extraordinary promise that sounds like trouble (with a capital ‘T’). Do it in such a fashion as to make your reader emotionally involved – right from the git-go.

Disclaimer – I don’t do fantasy & magic, so, if I step in *it* due to ignorance of conventions, I apologize profusely.

Posted by Craig (Member # 7899) on :

Thank you mbwood. What you pointed out is what I'm in the process of redoing.As before , I'm once again hooked on trying to post a good first 13, so I'll give it another try.