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I tramped down more snow enlarging the circle around the cold fire pit while contemplating my grip on reality. I stopped my pacing and glanced up at the starlit sky. "I have honored my word, will you not honor yours? Besides, what did you mean? The codex revealed the first Tradorian to ever shed a tear. I mean, why tell me? I don't even know what a Tradorian is."
"Garic, you are the first Tradorian to ever shed a tear."I just about jumped out of my skin hearing my name and in my haste to spin about my feet slipped out from under me and I landed on my backside in the snow. Laughter erupted from the individual now sitting on a stump next to a fire that had not been there. My eyes grew wide then and my jaw dropped open when I caught sight of the triangular shaped craft hovering just above the snow.

 

The biggest thing for me is spacial relation. Not all stories necessarily need them right away, but while reading yours I felt it was missing.

I tramped down more snow:
How thick is the snow? How big is the circle? Where is he?

the cold fire pit:
Is he aboriginal? Space faring? Is this a ritual sacrifice? -- I'm asking these questions absurdly to give you an idea of how varied a scene my mind could paint because I don't know what's up - yet. Focus me. To be specific, I might just reverse the order of information in the first sentence.
"I contemplated my grip on reality (and tramped)(while tramping) snow, enlarging..."
What this does (for me anyway) is focuses me on the character, more than the tramping. Now I see someone holding his temples while absently stomping snow. Doesn't matter where he is as much because the problem now is: is he sane?
I expect the next sentence or two to augment or answer this question. I'm focused.

The dialog at the sky doesn't work for me. At least, not this early. Plus, it's too long. "Why hast thou forsaken me?" Kinda says it all, right? This speech at the sky is just telling me, the reader, information - not supplying emotion.
I would have been happy with just the first sentence/question.

I stared into the deep sky, "I have honored..." etc.
This also helps clarify that he's speaking to the sky, as opposed to glancing at it then soap boxing.

"and in my haste to spin about" - just delete this. These words are slowing your action.

The next sentence's word count can also be cut in half.

"My eyes widened" probably covers it. Your use of the word "then" isn't necessary as since you're telling the story, I'm going to assume it's happening linearly.

Omit "open" after jaw dropped. Jaw dropped covers it.

Try: hovering nearby. We know there's snow, I need spacial relation to the MC.

Lastly, I'm picturing a leprechaun. I see a little guy perched on a stump laughing who showed up in a little triangular space ship. Don't know if that's what you were going for, but that's what I got.

Axe
 

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Please feel free to use or disregard my suggestions.

There is something about it that I like. I think it is the mystery of this guy and the situation. Like a prophet really hearing his god for the first time.

With that said, I think this can be tightened a lot. First consider not telling..."grip on reality" showing should be enough.

Second, the MC asks two questions. Why not ask one? Is there a way to tighten things. The dialog for me is bit long and telly.

Third, the character jumps out of his skin but we don't. Consider some ways to build the suspense and show this guys character.

"I've held up my end, what about you?" The sky didn't answer me. It never did. I was sick of it. Sick of this mountain. Sick of talking to myself. A year I had waited for what...another wasted Saturday night.

I think you are onto something about first person POV and situation. Just my 2 cents. I hope it helps.

Ps. I read garic as Garlic first. Maybe I'm just hungry.
 

Hmm, I didn't know Garic was a Tradorian. I thought he was a Cardassian.

This sentence should start with a space:

"I just about jumped out of my skin hearing my name and in my haste to spin about my feet slipped out from under me and I landed on my backside in the snow."

Also, a comma after "spin about" would make it more readable.

"Laughter erupted from the individual now sitting on a stump next to a fire that had not been there."

Starts with passive voice and ends with a participle. I don't generally like passive voice, but it may work in this situation. I get the impression that you first heard the laughter, then saw the "individual," then noticed the fire.

However, even apart from the passive voice, this sentence is awkward. Is there _anything_ you could call him/her/it other than an "individual?" Is, say, the person's gender (or species) supposed to be kept from the reader for the time being? Is the face in shadow? Would "figure" work instead?

And finally, your title: "The Ancient's Emerge." The ancient's what? What did the ancient have that is emerging?

Or did you mean to write "The Ancients Emerge?" Watch those apostrophes. In the wrong place, they are like the barbs on barbed wire.

Ard-choille,
Rob Roy
 

You have submitted multiple versions of this opening, however, you still don’t get over your POV problem: You can’t describe your expressions (‘My eyes grew wide then and [ugh] my jaw dropped open...) from within the viewpoint character’s vision. Who sees this?

It just doesn’t work. Period.

Okay, look, you’re trying to set the hook. If you wish to do this and get an editor to read further, start with something other than a setting.

Give us (editors, readers, etc.,) something that engages us. Give us something to worry about, something that makes us feel sympathy toward, something to fear. You offer us stomping snow and looking at the night sky – Please!

Look, your visitor, with his unique triangular shaped craft needs to be on stage sooner and He / she needs to be some kind of threat or the start of a conflict to engage the reader. Otherwise, (yawn), next...

Start again. You need a stronger opening if you wish to be a commercial success.

MBW

[This message has been edited by mbwood (edited June 12, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by mbwood (edited June 12, 2011).]
 

To jump out of one's skin.. Words cannot express my gratitude, for that expression alone.

It does need refining. Quite a bit of it.

It's probably a personal taste issue, but stories in the first person tend to get incredibly annoying.

Ok, the guy was startled. He's also a klutz. We get it. Does he HAVE to get a broken hip, on top of the heart attack? Don't kill your main character in the first paragraph.

Out of curiosity, does it have any bearing on the story that the ship be triangular?

Anyway, MBW is right. Lose the first person!

Minimize the antics and pick up the pace.

I have to say that 13 lines is not enough for me to judge anything. Talk about judging a book by it's cover...

You're doing better with each post, keep it up.
 

Meyer's TWILIGHT novels.

A lot of people who tried those books and ended up disliking the first-person-point-of-view character probably disliked her because the story was told in first person.

Bella Swan was very self-sacrificing, but because she was so self-sacrificing, it would not have ever occurred to her to say so--if for no other reason than that she didn't think of herself that way. BUT it made her come across to many readers as weak, whiny, wishy-washy, and other unsympathetic things.

The books might actually have worked much better, and appealed to even more readers, if they'd been told in third person instead of first person.

Something to consider, anyway.
 

I have to give it another try now. "I'm so dizzy....."
 

using 1st person POV is difficult, however, it can be done (with care). The best example of the use of 1st person POV in a well-written novel is Joe Haldeman's 'The Coming.' I recommend it highly.

In this novel, Haldeman has every chapter in a 1st person POV, but each chapter is a different person. So the reader gets to see the unfolding story through the eyes of each character. This has one benefit - the viewpoint character is often baffled by the events, which leaves the reader wondering what's happening. Truly a great technique for increasing suspense - leaving both the viewpoint character and reader hanging.

Remember the first rule of writing... Write!

MBW