Step right up now.Three balls for a dollar.Hit the bulls-eye and dunk the crazy writer in the freezing water.
Don't woory folks, he won't drown. He's been duncked so much he's grown a set of gills. Splash!!! glub, glub, hey, not so fast grandma.
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I never imagined I'd be sitting on a cold stump at the edge of a potato field contemplating my grip on reality, but here I was.I stared up at the massive oak silhouetted against the starlit sky."I miss you mom, wish you were here.By the way,do you think I'm bonkers for sitting here because I gave my word in a stupid dream?"
"No Garic,you're not bonkers.She would be proud of you for honoring your word,dream or no dream."
I shot up from the stump like a rocket being launched and lost my footing on the packed snow,did a one eighty and landed on my butt.I looked up and my eyes widened for not ten yards away a large,dark,triangular shaped craft hovered and a lone individual stood in a opening illuminated by a red light.
I would suggest that you use more comas, to separate sentences within sentences. Don't take it too far with the similes, or the imagery. I'm talking about the scene about the startling and the subsequent fall on the butt. Perhaps you should shorten your sentences, as a couple of them require two lungfuls to read aloud.
I love the word bonkers, but, the figure would probably choose another, to negate Garic's suspicion of madness. It would give a clearer impression of two, separate people. It would also sound better, I think.
Triangular ufos are, probably, over played, but that doesn't really mean anything. You could spin it any which way other people didn't.
If the red light was there before the figure spoke, Garic may have noticed the change in illumination, before he heard the voice. It was a night time, in an open field, so it makes sense that he would, even if he was facing the other way. The distance was too short, for him not to. Maybe you can turn on the lights on the figure, before Garic's very eyes. It adds a more dramatic effect, too.
Can't judge a book by it's cover, neither can you judge it by 13 lines. Keep on writing my friend.
"I looked up and my eyes widened for not ten yards away a large,dark,triangular shaped craft hovered and a lone individual stood in a opening illuminated by a red light."
I guess my only issue is with this sentence. Something is off here. Maybe its a POV error. Not sure. I think you need to convey the character's surprise in another way than 'his eyes widened' because that is something that someone looking at the character would see, not that the character himself would see himself do.
for example, bad example, but you might say, "I jumped out of my skin, cause not ten yard away was a giant marshmallow floatin' in the sky."
I also think you need to work on this character's voice. Maybe go and watch all those stupid shows late at night on MTV, or see one of those silly vampire movies. (I know, its like purgatory-but its for your writing, its worth the pain.) just a thought.
TMR,what I truly know about voice is limited to, hello and HELLO. From what I've read in here, I know what you mean, but I figure I can work more on that when I try and edit.
How stupid does that sound. I have all I can do to write and make it readable, and I'm going to edit myself.
Yep,don't see anything wrong with that page, on to the next.
Thanks again for the help.
quote:
I never imagined I'd be sitting on a cold stump at the edge of a potato field contemplating my grip on reality, but here I was.
quote:
I shot up from the stump like a rocket being launched and lost my footing on the packed snow,did a one eighty and landed on my butt.
quote:
I looked up and my eyes widened for not ten yards away a large,dark,triangular shaped craft hovered and a lone individual stood in a opening illuminated by a red light.
Stepping down, having well and truly spent my dollars worth. :-)
There should be a warning posted. Beware, attempting to write a good 13 can become addictive.
My editorial instincts say this opening is overwritten and needs tightening.
For example: ‘I never imagined I'd be sitting on a cold stump at the edge of a potato field contemplating my grip on reality, but here I was. I stared up at the massive oak silhouetted against the starlit sky.’
This is setting, which unless critical to the plot and opening, should be slipped in after you have engaged the reader.
I recommend starting with the ‘LONE INDIVIDUAL’ – give more detail, show what he / she looks like, and then describe the ‘LARGE, DARK, TRIANGULAR SHAPED CRAFT,’ which is hovering nearby. Is it a spacecraft? What is it? Is it a threat? Does it have weapons? Does it carry large caliber spells?
Don’t talk about being ‘bonkers’ or giving your word at this point. Do it (later) after you have the reader wondering what Garic has got himself into.
Point of view: Through whose eyes does this story unfold? ‘MY EYES WIDENED…’ Who sees this? And the bit about shooting up from the stump – is it important to the plot? If it isn’t, cut it, because it gets in the way of what is important (Garic meets the lone individual).
I hope this helps,
MBW