Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 lines of my Fantasy novel!

This is topic First 13 lines of my Fantasy novel! in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by mc1ate1mad1cow (Member # 9478) on :

Little Saints was distinguished from all the other hospitals in the world, and the reasons were many. It was situated in a really really tall building; had the most technologically advanced equipment of its time; had on its panel the only two doctors trained to work in space; and catered to the most elite crowd in New York. But none of it mattered on that cold day of January. Little Saints had reached entirely new levels of distinction – and it had nothing to do with the practice, or business, of medicine.

The real reason was the fact that it had two men floating outside one of its windows, on the 24th floor.

Drumila was one of them, and his master – the Creator – was the other.

[This message has been edited by mc1ate1mad1cow (edited August 07, 2011).]

Posted by zewology (Member # 9580) on :

Overall impression: interested. The hook isn't something huge, but it's enough to make me want to keep reading. I am curious about the two men floating outside the window, especially when you named one of them the creator, and what they're doing at the hospital, and who this is going to affect. And whether or not the general public realizes they're there. All kinds of things are running through my head. For me, the real test would be where you take it from here, but the hook is enough to make me want to find out.

Now, to look at the writing itself more in depth:

quote:
Little Saints was distinguished from all the other hospitals in the world, and the reasons were many. It was situated in a really really tall building; had the most technologically advanced equipment of its time; had on its panel the only two doctors trained to work in space; and catered to the most elite crowd in New York. But none of it mattered on that cold day of January. Little Saints had reached entirely new levels of distinction – and it had nothing to do with the practice, or business, of medicine.

The first sentence sounds awkward to me, especially the second part. I would try phrasing this whole thing in a new way. The second sentence: get rid of the "really, really" and find a better word (extremely?). Also, you should be using commas in this sentence, not semicolons.

Other small grammar things in this paragraph in this paragraph: It should say "day in January" instead of "of." I would also say it had reached "... a new level of distinction, and ..." And I might consider using a synonym of distinction since you already used "distinguished" in this paragraph. Some people don't mind, but I really hate word repetition when it happens that close together.

quote:
The real reason was the fact that it had two men floating outside one of its windows, on the 24th floor.

You can get rid of "real" because in the last paragraph, you basically said that the practice and business of medicine were not the reasons. I would also change the end of the sentence, somehow rephrase it and work in that they're floating outside a 24th floor window rather than sticking the phrase on the end.

quote:
Drumila was one of them, and his master – the Creator – was the other.

Nothing to pick on here. This is the real hook for me.

So, overall, not bad; you really just need to work on cleaning up your language and grammaer. The idea itself is really interesting!

Posted by karriezai (Member # 9611) on :

I agree with zewology. Your real hook is that last line, and it's a good one. While I like the sentiment of the first two paragraphs, something about them doesn't work for me. The phrasing is clunky for the opening to a book. I feel it would be better if you streamlined it. I wouldn't weigh the writing down with such a complicated (grammatically) sentence so early, for one thing. I kind of zoned out reading that sentence. Even on a reread, the thing that really stuck with me from the first paragraph was this:

"Little Saints had reached entirely new levels of distinction – and it had nothing to do with the practice, or business, of medicine."

Not saying this should stand alone, I just think the information around it should be tightened and clarified.

Your last line, though, does make me curious for more!

Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :

I'm thinking it's about vampires, and that gets me interested.