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Selenas’ skin slips through my fingers, but she turns back to me anyway, one eyebrow raised. “Problem?” she asks.
Yes. “No.” It doesn’t sound convincing. I flex my hand around Defender’s hilt and scratch the whiskers growing too long on my jaw. “I’m just supposed to ask this little girl to come with me? You expect her to listen?” Please don’t listen. The real question aches in my throat: Why do we need the Equitanian diplomat’s daughter?
Selenas’ laugh is full, soaking into the wood walls rather than bouncing back. “Might help if you shaved the beard.” My mouth twists—an automatic reaction to another jab at my beard. “But you have a friendly face. And she’s just four years old. She’ll do what you say.”
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Original first 13 (from chapter 1):
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I hate feeling like a criminal.
With my pack pressed against the wall, muscles tense, my breath loud in my ears, I wait for the watchman to move away. I only caught a glimpse of the red stripe blazed down the center of his tunic, but it was enough. My hand fists around Defender’s hilt until the tendons stand out, sweat slicking the leather covering my fivemark.
I knew it was a mistake to cut through the working quarter, but I wanted to get through the city as fast as possible. At least in the crowd of the market my covered fivemark would hardly be noticeable. Running into a watchman in the relative quiet of the working quarter, though….
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Any feedback is appreciated :]
[This message has been edited by karriezai (edited August 23, 2011).]
I feel like this beginning doesn't have an anchor. It starts off too quickly, without anything to ground me to the story. It's like I've opened the book to a random page, not to the beginning.
Action beginnings are fun, but all this action doesn't mean anything because I have no frame of reference as to what's happening, or why it's so important that this no-name, no-gender, abstract character needs to get through the city.
I'm curious--I struggle with getting a sense of the character's gender/age/etc in right from the get-go. Does anyone have any examples handy of first person POV writing that gives you a sense of the character in the first 13 lines? I'd like to see some good examples of how it's done.
Middlesex by Geoffrey Eugenides does a fantastic job of getting pivotal, complicated info out to the reader immediately.
I'm not a huge fan of the Twilight series but she does get a lot of information across in the first couple paragraphs... age, sex, setting, tiny blurb of back story.
I'll try to think of better ones for you. Good luck!
I suggest active/action verbs. "I stood back against the wall, waiting for the watchman to move away. My breath sounded loud in my ears. ... "
Respectfully,
Dr. Bob
One of the big challenges with first person point of view is getting across the character's good qualities without seeming to brag.
quote:
With my pack pressed against the wall,
I got thrown for a loop by the word 'pack.' It sounds like no one else had this problem so perhaps I just need to make myself a cup of tea or something. In my mind's eye the narrator was pressed against the wall with several other people, "the pack," and additionally they were some kind of were-wolves. Probably just me, though. Now I see that the character is wearing a backpack, probably.
I've added the first 13 of my brand-spanking-new prologue, and I'd appreciate feedback on that. Comparative feedback between the two (for anyone who also read the first lines of chapter one) might also be really helpful.
Thank you so much!
My only complaint is that it feels like you are missing a line at the beginning.
quote:
Selenas’ skin slips through my fingers, but she turns back to me anyway, one eyebrow raised. “Problem?” she asks.
Why is he touching her? Is he stopping her from leaving? It just feels like a strange place to start. One more sentence before that explaining why he grabbed her would work for me.
My only other issue is that there is no sense of setting. I think you can get away with it in the first thirteen because it is so interesting, but don't leave the reader hanging for too long. We need to feel grounded.
But overall, I really like it, so great job!!
Would changing 'skin' to 'wrist' help? Yes, he's stopping her from leaving. I thought it might be overload to start it the moment earlier, which would go something like....
quote:
"You won't have long after Kant pulls the nursemaid from the garden. Go change while he gets into position. This is a task for plain clothes." Commander Flint nods dismissal and turns to head back to the banquet hall.Kant and Selenas break to go their own way, but I reach out for Selenas. My fingers slip from her wrist, but she ... [from here it would be the same, basically]
It's a possibility, I guess, but I don't really like it as an opening. Any thoughts?
quote:
I reach out for Selenas. My fingers slip from her wrist, but she ...
Maybe add something at the end of the sentence just to make it clear, like: "I reach for Selenas to stop her from leaving..."
That would work for me.
Before I read the other comments I was thinking the same thing. I didn't feel grounded in the story, didn't really know anything about the characters therefore I didn't really care what was happening to them. Kinda shallow but it's the way this fickle world works especially while reading stories. Someone you've never heard of dies on the street corner, oh well. Someone you feel close to dies on the street corner, it's life changing. Give me a reason to care, introduce me to the characters.
It's good to start a story with lots of dialogue between the MC's but this dialogue was kinda confusing. Like eaves dropping in the middle of a conversation that doesn't make sense because I missed the first part and don't have a clue what they are talking about.
I'd like to read more if I knew the character's better.