It's my first-ever query letter. Feedback welcome -- especially from people who've done this before! Thanks
Version 2:
quote:Sidika shouldn’t exist. In Tairithien, where nobles display their heritage with elaborate tattoos and nulls like her are branded with a red circle, her bare face means death if the priests catch her. She gets by with stolen ink and a safe haven with others like her.
Not that life as a null is ever easy or safe. According to the priests, they exist to be punished for the sins of past lives, and the nobles are the eager instruments of their abuse. Drawing is the one bright spot in Sidika’s life.
When her disguise slips, threatening her whole family, she is unexpectedly offered the chance at a new life. No more mindless drudgery at the factory under the foreman’s rod. Even better, as much time and paper for drawing as she could wish. The catch: she has to ink false noble tattoos for her new haven-leader.
She expects it to be dangerous, but she’s unprepared for the seductive rush of power when she puts symbols to skin. Far from being hereditary, as the priests claim, the nobles’ elemental magic actually originates in the tattoos, and Sidika has the power to Awaken it.
Suddenly, hiding is both more essential and more impossible than ever. Elemental magic could transform the world for the city’s four million nulls, but she’s just one girl, and powerful forces are arrayed against her. Her haven-leader, on whom she relies for protection, would rather use her power for his own purposes; the nobles have no intention of allowing her to overturn the social order; and the priests would do anything to keep their secret. By the time she realizes she’s gambling with more lives than merely her own, it’s too late to go anywhere but forward.
THE NULL PROPHET is an epic fantasy novel, complete at 115,000 words. The non-traditional fantasy setting will appeal to fans of Brandon Sanderson’s MISTBORN and Trudi Canavan’s BLACK MAGICIAN TRILOGY. Thank you for your consideration.
Origial version:
quote:Sidika shouldn’t exist. Everyone in Tairithien is required to be tattooed at birth as either a noble or a null, and she...wasn’t. She’s dead if the priests ever discover her.
When her disguise slips, threatening her whole family, she is unexpectedly offered the chance at a new life. No more mindless drudgery at the factory, and even better, as much time for drawing as she wants. The catch: she has to ink false heritage tattoos of the nobility for her new haven-leader.
The House sigils are like nothing she’s ever drawn. Thrilling, seductive...and powerful. With a shock, Sidika discovers that the tattoos are actually the source of the nobles’ elemental magic, and she has the power to Awaken them.
Suddenly, hiding is both more essential and more impossible than ever. Elemental magic could change the world for the city’s four million nulls, if she could just figure out how to tattoo them all, but powerful forces are arrayed against her. The nobles have no intention of sharing power, and the priests would do anything to keep their secret. And her haven-leader, on whom she relies for protection, would rather use her power for his own purposes.
THE NULL PROPHET is an epic fantasy novel, complete at 115,000 words. The non-traditional fantasy setting will appeal to fans of Brandon Sanderson’s MISTBORN and Trudi Canavan’s BLACK MAGICIAN TRILOGY. Thank you for your consideration.
[ November 13, 2011, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: EmilyS ]
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
quote:Originally posted by EmilyS:
quote:Sidika shouldn’t exist. Everyone in Tairithien is required to be tattooed at birth as either a noble or a null, and she...wasn’t. She’s dead if the priests ever discover her.
IMO avoid the elipses in your query. Some agents really don't like them (even in the ms). There's no point in losing a chance just for three little dots.
I would use "must" rather than "is required to".
I'd like to see just a hint of what being a null means. It's not just that they're lacking the power of the nobles. Something has also been taken away from them by that tattoo.
Other than that, the only problem I have with it is that this makes it sound as if Sidika is the only one who missed being tattooed and that's not the case.
quote:When her disguise slips, threatening her whole family, she is unexpectedly offered the chance at a new life. No more mindless drudgery at the factory, and even better, as much time for drawing as she wants. The catch: she has to ink false heritage tattoos of the nobility for her new haven-leader.
The House sigils are like nothing she’s ever drawn. Thrilling, seductive...and powerful. With a shock, Sidika discovers that the tattoos are actually the source of the nobles’ elemental magic, and she has the power to Awaken them.
Suddenly, hiding is both more essential and more impossible than ever. Elemental magic could change the world for the city’s four million nulls, if she could just figure out how to tattoo them all, but powerful forces are arrayed against her. The nobles have no intention of sharing power, and the priests would do anything to keep their secret. And her haven-leader, on whom she relies for protection, would rather use her power for his own purposes.
THE NULL PROPHET is an epic fantasy novel, complete at 115,000 words. The non-traditional fantasy setting will appeal to fans of Brandon Sanderson’s MISTBORN and Trudi Canavan’s BLACK MAGICIAN TRILOGY. Thank you for your consideration.
You've got a good start here. What's missing is the choice Sidika has to make--the choice that makes her the Null Prophet. You hint at it, but I think you need to make it more explicit. It's not just her life or even the lives of the others in her haven. It's a revolution for her world.
And also make the stakes clearer. Yes, her life and the lives of her friends are at risk. But so is the whole balance of power in her world.
Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :
What is at stake for her? Her goal seems to be to tattoo all the null, but what happens if she fails?
Posted by EmilyS (Member # 9447) on :
Thanks for the feedback. I updated my post with a new version of the query.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
the idea here seems kinda kool and unique. if you're looking for someone to read a first chapter, i'd be game.
Posted by MartinV (Member # 5512) on :
I must say I would like to read this story. Do you need beta readers, perhaps?
Posted by The_last_lifeline (Member # 9698) on :
I am hooked! This is a very clever idea, and I couldn't see any issues with the second version. Great job!
Posted by LeetahWest (Member # 9402) on :
At the beginning it sounds like she is doing something illegal and staying with a bunch of other illegal people. But then she is with her family and they are in danger because she got caught? I guess I am a bit confused with that. The rest sounds great to me.
I really like the idea though and would definitely read this.
Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :
I agree with LeetahWest's comment about being confused.
"unexpectedly offered the chance" seems a little too coy -- hiding some key turn of events for surprise value. For the back cover, that might be okay, but for a proposal, seems like you would indicate just a little more to indicate it is believable. I would expect that to be a key incident in the story with implications downstream.
Posted by RLKnight (Member # 9703) on :
The query reminds me of an Anime series, Ai No Kusabi. In it, social castes are determined by hair color... blondes being the elite, browns and blacks the slave caste. Anyhow, even though it is Yaoi (gay oriented Anime) it is a similar theme. Anyhow, to the query itself: IMO clean up the sentences. "Not that life as a null is ever easy or safe. According to the priests, they exist to be punished for the sins of past lives, and the nobles are the eager instruments of their abuse. Drawing is the one bright spot in Sidika’s life." I don't think "that not that life as a... safe" is needed. Get straight to the point "According to the priests, nulls exist to be punished for the sins of past lives...abuse." The drawing line seems out of place as well. Perhaps working it in with the next paragraph instead of leaving it dangling. Just some thoughts.
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