Here's my new 13 lines. Let me know what's good and what's not. Tell me like it is, but have reasons behind it and why you say the things that you do. Be harsh if you choose. Thanks. =] And if you want to take a look at the first chapter, give me a shout. I'll critique back, too. _________________________________________________________________
Masked Man Dr. Kanchen had no real name, for it changed many times over the years since the accident that made him lose his face. He hated talking about the accident, afraid it would bring back memories, make him lose his mind as he did. He'd never admit this 'psycho temper' to his colleagues though, because he knew they never knew when to hold their tongues around 'certain people.' But Dr. Kanchen did instill fear into his subordinates. If he didn’t, he wasn’t doing his job. And Dr. Kanchen was a man who settled for nothing less than perfection, just like Mr. Trenton. However, he didn’t like thinking about that--the last thing on his mentally unstable mind was his past. Right now, his focus was on the creature behind the 'nearly-unbreakable' plexi-glass, lying on a metal table, surrounded by six other doctors.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
my main concern with these 13 lines is that it feels a little compacted for the beginning of a novel. you probably have ample time to relate this information about the character though the narrative.
'He hated talking about the accident, afraid it would bring back memories...' is telling instead of showing.
how long is the first chapter? if it's not too long i'd be up to read it.
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
It's about 900 words. Are you up to reading it? I can read a piece from you if you would like, too.
There is another version that I have posted up. I don't know if you saw it, but if you have, is it better than this thirteen? Which one should I start off using and fixing up? This one or the other?
Anyway, thanks. x]
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
the first chapter is 900 words? so it's about two to three pages? and the 13 lines in both versions had the same issue of giving information that can be done more naturally in the narrative. right now my suspicion is that the story actually starts several paragraphs later and the beginning paragraphs can be moved or cut.
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
True, you are. Anyway, it's two pages and a little bit into the third page.
I'll send it so you have a better look. You can send me something, too, within reason. 2000 words or less, maybe. Or six or seven pages.