I'm in the process of cleaning up my middle-grade novel, preparing it for submission, and I desperately need someone who's not a close friend or relative to take a fresh look at my query and first 20 pages and provide me with feedback. Let me know if you're interested in helping me out.
Alex Daily: Sometimes Superhero is about a ten-year-old boy who wakes up with a different superpower every day. Here are the first 13 to entice any possible readers. Thanks!
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Alex Daily was afraid of heights. He was even more afraid of breaking rules. He was most afraid of being called a wimp by a girl. Each was bad enough on its own, but he was facing all three fears at the same time.
Melanie had come over to his house after school with her typical whirlwind of daring and exciting plans for the afternoon, and this one involved the ladder from Walter’s tool shed. Alex figured if he did all the rule breaking and she did all the climbing there'd be an even split of danger, but the raised metal on the rungs hurt Melanie’s bare feet and she wouldn’t run home just to put shoes on.
So Alex was nearing the top of a ten-foot ladder, knowing Melanie would call him a wimp if he changed his mind, all while
[ December 09, 2011, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Interesting. I want to say, first off, as soon as I opened this and read just the first line "Sometimes Superhero is about a ten-year-old boy who wakes up with a different superpower every day." I was already intrigued by the general idea. Then I read the thirteen lines and it sounds pretty interesting. I'm not a very 'in-depth' kind of guy on the first thirteen, but just some minor notes.
"but the raised metal on the rungs hurt Melanie’s bare feet and she wouldn’t run home just to put shoes on." - I would find another way to include that in here. As it is, it ends fine at "danger". To me, this just doesn't fit right here. It had a strange flow, I felt.
I don't think you need "So". Just start with "Alex".
"all while" sounds strange, I think. I think you are missing a "the" to make it "all the while".
You could probably get rid of "had", making it "...Walter ever set etc..."
Thirteen lines isn't really my thing. You could go ahead and send me your 20 pages. This story sounds pretty interesting.
Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :
Good start. Some nits: "at the same time" could be "Wednesday afternoon" and help set the scene a little more concretely, and eliminate the "after school".
"Fears" in "all three fears" seems redundant.
"since he’d moved in" sounds vague. Next door? Into Alex's house? (How important are his rules?)
The flow is smooth and enticing. I'm hooked.
Can I read more of it?
Posted by The_last_lifeline (Member # 9698) on :
Was he afraid of being wimpy, or just of being called wimpy by a girl?
Why did Melanie go to school without shoes on, or what happened to them after school?
I really like the concept, and would love to read your first 20 pages.
Posted by RoxyL (Member # 9096) on :
I've loved your idea (and your character's name) since the first time you mentioned it, oh so long ago. I even remember telling my dh about it. I'm so glad you've got it finished!
That said, I've probably got a little time to look it over if you want to send it my way.
Posted by elilyn (Member # 9426) on :
I'd be willing to put in my two cents on the first chapter or so, if your still looking for a reader.