Under the hot morning sun and the feeling of unseen eyes, Maral adjusted his coat and loosened his cowl, releasing a droplet of sweat that itched a path down his spine. In some ways, the concealing attire was attracting more attention than doing without, but as long as no one recognized him, he didn't care. He would have worn a hood too, but it was the law in all Order States that eyes had to be visible. Maral stood outside a rickety looking house, built of algae-stained planks, like most of the buildings in Scumslum, a riverside section of Ghott.
The house where Maral waited belonged to Stranger, a Nayan man storied to be able to find anything and anyone, but only at an extraordinary price. No one could tell Maral any name for him other than Stranger. All they seemed to know was that he'd come from somewhere else, at some time, but couldn't remember exactly when.
[edit, fixed the last line that you had trouble with]
[ December 31, 2011, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: RobED ]
Posted by Lloyd Tackitt (Member # 9714) on :
Good work! I find the last sentence to be a bit awkward.
Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :
The only thing I don't like about this is the name Scumslum. It sounds like something from a Marvel comic.
As a hook it works though and draws you in well enough. I would read on.
Posted by RobED (Member # 9720) on :
On scumslum: most of the names of places are placeholders for me. Trying to come up with fantastic names is so time consuming!
[ January 01, 2012, 12:12 AM: Message edited by: RobED ]
Posted by LeetahWest (Member # 9402) on :
The part that I found to be the "hook" for me was "He would have worn a hood too, but it was the law in all Order States that eyes had to be visible." This let me know that we aren't on Earth as we know it and it isn't just another fantasy/sci-fi with your typical backdrop. Very nice! I would keep reading.
Posted by Klimpaloon (Member # 9740) on :
I, for one, would like to keep reading. A few nit-picky things, though:
"Was attracting" should be in active voice instead of passive voice. "Rickety looking" should be hyphenated and the rest of that sentence could stand to lose a couple commas. "Storied" sounds like an awkward verb to me; unless it's plot relevant, "said" would be preferable. "At some time" just sounds weird to me; not sure how to fix that one.
Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :
Flow of words and thoughts is good.
I'm having trouble with the "...he didn't care." followed by wearing a hood as if he did.
I liked the "storied". It indicated to me that he picked up his information indirectly, not asking direct questions, or at least not getting direct answers.
Last sentence: "at some time" seems not needed.
Posted by Matthew Jonathan Wilcken (Member # 9744) on :
Good. I'm debating whether a more character-driven in medias res might be more engaging. Try switching the clauses of the first sentence around: "adjusting the coat" with "the morning sun."
Something just tells me that might be better.
Posted by Tryndakai (Member # 9427) on :
I like.
My one and only nit is that, in my mind at least, I more or less equate "cowl" with "hood." Particularly with the "concealing attire" and "no one recognised him" comments--I imagine him to be skulking about all conspicuously hooded. Had to actually look up the word to find it also means priestly robes . . . though even then Wiki says it traditionally means "a hooded garment" . . . And then, what's he got both coat and cowl for? Basically, I've little idea what you mean by cowl, there.
Apart from that, I'm totally hooked already. I'm right in there with the character, the world is fleshing itself out at a nice pace, and the use of unfamiliar words/names and such is just right: creating the feel of the setting without bogging down the intro with meaningless syllables. Good rhythm to the writing, too. And the fact that he's essentially seeking out a mystical/mysterious Private Eye for some reason . . . got the plot all hinted at already, too. Good hook, overall. Props. Posted by RobED (Member # 9720) on :
a cowl garment is like a scarf where both ends connect. it isn't a hood. covers the lower part of the head.
that is a general example. Some do have hoods.
Posted by Tryndakai (Member # 9427) on :
Ah-ha, I see. Learn something new every day.
Batman's mask is also called a cowl . . . probably because it also covers his neck and shoulders.
Anywho, now that you've addressed my one "complaint," I guess I've nothing more to say. Except that I'm totally willing to read more . . . Posted by Lloyd Tackitt (Member # 9714) on :
I like it!
Posted by Jess (Member # 9742) on :
oh that sounds cool. you describe things very well and it sounds like the plot is great too. my only nitpick. If he can't wear a hood because it covers his eyes, wouldn't a cowl block them too. maybe not as much as a hood, but would it be enough to be illegal?
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