There's a pitch contest over at YALitChat so I need a little help.
First:
quote:A young woman warrior struggling with the berserker curse in her blood and a young prince whose gullibility put him on the wrong side of the walls at the beginning of a siege are the only hope to save a kingdom.
Second:
quote:Because she bears the berserker curse, Casora has been raised to be a warrior from birth. After releasing the berserker in battle, Casora has two goals: to fight the enemy that overran her home and to find a cure for her curse. She might accomplish both with the help of Tiaran, a young prince whose gullibility and desire to prove himself strand him on the wrong side of the marauding army.
Third:
quote:Casora loses her battle against the berserker inside her just when her homeland is threatened by an invading army. Now she's forever banned from returning to her home and family unless she can find some way to tame the berserker. Her search for a cure leads her to Tiaran, a scholar-prince who needs to learn to be a warrior to defend his own home against the invaders. They just might be the answer to each others' prayers.
Have at it. Which is best? Rip, tear, shred.
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
Since I commented on the Query I thought I would say something about these.
I'm not sure what they want in length but I feel that the Second one is too long. Since it looks shorter than the Third one I should say it seems or feels too long.
First was to the point and explained the plot very concisely and well. Third does it better and more clear but it is the longest.
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
The first one doesn't make any sense. Also, the gullibility issue makes me think the prince will be a pacive character, which hurts the strength of the second.
Tiaran the scholar prince who wants to defend his home, that's appealing. I say third is best. Is there anyway you could simplify the writing and shorten the pitch?
Posted by wise (Member # 9779) on :
I think you should try to combine the 2nd and 3rd ones. I like the second one mainly because it gives a little more information about Tiaran's personality. I'm confused about why releasing the berserker is a bad thing for Casora, however. What is the berserker? It kind of sounds like the Hulk. My advice is to give just a little more detail on the berserker. I like the last sentence in the third one. I don't like the first one because it's too much information packed into one sentence and at first reading it was confusing.
Posted by RoxyL (Member # 9096) on :
Personally, I thought the third was the strongest. It clearly defines the character's dilemmas and hints at the broader storyline of their alliance.
That said, it could still be pared down by combining the first two sentences. And I'd just remove the last sentence - I'd rather draw my own conclusions as to how the match up will work.