You all helped so much with the query for FIRE AND EARTH. Now I need to revise the old query for MAGE STORM before I start sending it out again.
Here's the last version:
quote:Rell doesn't want magic. He doesn't dream of being a hero out of old legends or a mage. Certainly not a mage, after they all incinerated each other at the end of the Great Mage War. He'd just like not to be in his big brother's shadow for a change. Someone should have reminded him to be careful what he wished for.
A mage storm, composed of the ashes of the wizards killed in the War, strikes. The embers that fall like rain burn and destroy, threatening Rell's home and family. Rell is struck by a strange blue cinder that infects him with magic. The magic allows him to shelter his family from the fury of the storm, but that's when the real trouble starts.
His older brother is jealous of Rell's new status. His da expects Rell to bring back the useful magic he remembers from before the war. But Rell's magic responds more to his emotions than his thoughts. He can't figure out how to make it do what he wants. Frustration and anger only bring out one of the most dangerous aspects of his magic: fire.
His magic is even more dangerous than Rell knows. If he tries the wrong way to control it, he could end up adding his own ashes to the mage storms that scourge his world. He needs to find someone who can teach him.
MAGE STORM is a 56,000-word middle grade fantasy and potentially the first of a series. Readers of John Flanagan's RANGER'S APPRENTICE series will enjoy MAGE STORM. I have enclosed the first fifty per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Posted by babygears81 (Member # 9745) on :
Hi Meredith, I don't know much about writing queries, as I have never written one, but one thing did catch my eye/ear, for what it's worth. The sentence "If he tries the wrong way to control it..." That portion of the sentence is a little wordy and confusing. You could try if he fails to control it...That sounds more to the point to me.
Posted by babygears81 (Member # 9745) on :
Oops, did I just break the rules by giving an example? Sorry. Forgot.
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
@babygears81: That's fine. At least, it is with me.
Queries have to be torn apart and rebuilt. Multiple times.