This is a fantasy novel that I wrote several years ago. It suffered from a really unfortunate beginning, and I've been working on improving it. Does this grab any interest? Would you read on?
Any thoughts appreciated. As I said, I've been fighting with this one off and on for years.
Thanks!
***
It should have been the season of blooming, but large swaths of the forest stood barren, the trees' naked limbs cold and stark. The sickle point of a waning crescent moon peered through a rip in the tattered curtain of clouds.
Aurion huddled in the shadows at the base of a black oak, straining to catch the sound of any approaching footsteps. A stiff wind rife with the smell of impending rain fluttered his cloak. He pulled it tight, gathering the flapping ends in a fist. There could be scouts anywhere.
His lips pressed tight, curling down at the corners. Torquil should have arrived an hour ago and Aurion didn't dare wait much longer. He flexed his legs, easing the stiffness that gripped the back of his knees.
Posted by babygears81 (Member # 9745) on :
I think you should start with your second paragraph. The descriptions in the first, are good, so don't toss them, just maybe move it to somewhere after the first thirteen. This is gripping though, I like it. I feel like I'm there with him.
Posted by History (Member # 9213) on :
Agree. Begin with second paragraph.
Cut "curling down at the corners" from the first line of paragraph three. To further increase tension, split line two of the third paragraph into two shorter sentences.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
Posted by ForlornShadow (Member # 9758) on :
I agree with the two above: start with the second paragraph. Maybe somehow weave the description into the next few lines. Don't know if it would work, but it's something to try. I am intrigued by the opening though, I would definitely read on.
Posted by jawood (Member # 9907) on :
I love the description in the first paragraph, it's really beautifully worded. Makes you wonder why things are barren when things should be blooming. My interest is definitely caught
Posted by rabirch (Member # 9832) on :
Thanks very much for your comments, Babygears, Dr. Bob, ForlornShadow and jawood. It sounds like jawood caught the hook I was trying to plant in the first paragraph, but it didn't work so well for the rest of you.
Glad to see that this beginning seems to be working in general, though. This gives me hope. Maybe I've actually learned something over the last decade!
Posted by Lance Conrad (Member # 9901) on :
I loved the description in the first paragraph, but forgot it fairly quickly when the character was introduced. I agree with some of the others that it should start out with the second paragraph. For me the first paragraph is overshadowed by the second.
I would keep reading.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
I think the first sentence is a good hook. I am immediately interested in why everything is barren. Interesting mystery introduced in one sentence. I do not know what the second sentence has to do with it, though. It's a nice sentence, but it seemed unrelated to the first.
The rest of it is a quite serviceable introduction to the character and his circumstances. Nice dramatic tension.