Re-wrote this and let it ferment a little. Like what I have, but that's hardly subjective. So, I'm throwing it out there. If anyone is interested, it's a Prelude to the main part of a story, and if the 1st 13 'grabs ya', the whole thing is 4,300 words. Any comments would be appreciated.
An envious god in a realm just beyond the corner of the eye watches, enthralled. Covetous, he moves closer and breaches the ramparts of our reality. He takes what he wants and dismisses us from his thoughts... millennia then pass.
Returning, dreadful purpose drives him. Now is a time to sow seeds; the reaping will come later. He searches and finds what he needs; he acts, and unites the consciousness of an unborn child of our reality with one in his. Sixteen years later, he returns and whispers thoughts into the mind of a man named Odysseus. A King desperate to return home.
A burning city does not die quietly, and Troy was no exception. It is not just the screams of the victims or the exultant cries of the invaders: a hot and acrid wind also roars and bellows...
Phil
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
i'll take a look at the 4300 words.
Posted by R. W. Spangler (Member # 9961) on :
I like the Prelude and would offer to read more. Problem is that it may parallel some of my work and I do not wish to incur any problems.
Also, if he is in the mind of Odysseus, wouldn't the dying of Troy be current tense? As in "and Troy IS no exception."
Just my newbie thoughts... hope they help
rws
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
rws, thanks for the comment and I understand the wish not to have your own thoughts about a story compromised by anothers 'take' on a particular subject.
As for you suggestion about tense, he is not 'in' the mind of Odysseus, he is putting thoughts 'into' it; specifically the idea of a wooden horse full of soldiers.
Phil.
Posted by R. W. Spangler (Member # 9961) on :
ahhhh... I see. Nice. I took the burning city as indication Troy had already fallen.
My own story refers to the old gods and impact on civilizations. As a history buff, I'm intrigued by the what ifs.
Best wishes on your story!
Roger
Posted by Progonoskis (Member # 9948) on :
I'm intrigued, but I'm "chairperson" of a huge event happening next weekend, and I think part of my floating around here today is procrastination for doing stuff for that event. So, if you're still looking for readers after 10/28, I'm your gal.
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
Thanks Progonoskis, I'll e-mail it to you after the 28th. I'm in no hurry, I haven't quite finished this first draft yet, but am getting nearer the pointy end.
Phil.
Posted by History (Member # 9213) on :
Is there not too much narrative distance in these lines? Or is this necessary to the story?
The protagonist, his/her/its purpose, and action in these opening 13 all concern "a god." This suggests he/she/it is central to the story and, therefore, should be named.
Just my two shekels.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
Dr. Bob, I'm not certain how to answer that question. The 'god' is the instigator of all that is to follow in the story; even to the fall of Troy. He does indeed have a name, and one that is known to us, but not that one.
Those first 13 are, in effect, setting the 'scene' for the story so that the reader will not be quite so jarred out of it when I switch realities from Troy to another universe where the rest of this story is set. Until the Epilogue, of course, which is set back in our own reality.
I know that's probably not answering your question, but an explanation of why I wrote it like that is the best I can do at the moment.
Phil.
Posted by Tank1982 (Member # 9959) on :
I'd definitely turn the page. From the first sentence it seems extremely interesting, left me wanting to figure out more from sentence to sentence.
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