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Rickard hated the outdoors. Back in San Francisco, all of his friends had loved skiing at Lake Tahoe. He’d spent his money on 49ers tickets and day-trips to Vegas. He was an angel investor, and one of the most successful in the three hundred year history of Silicon Valley. A startup colony had been too tempting to pass up.

He’d made it all the way to Pangaea with nearly a thousand colonists in tow thinking that he’d be running the numbers for a new civilization. To be fair, he did that too. But the most profitable job he could do—and therefore the most important—was to be a damned prospector. And so he sat at the top of a waterfall, looking out over hundreds of miles of lush, green forest and rolling hills. The waterfall itself was nearly twice

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[ February 12, 2013, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
 

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Posted by Estee (Member # 9824) on :
 
I think maybe your head is still in queries. You have a lot of info here and no action. This needs more showing, and more doing. Find your hook and start there. I like the idea, though, and you have the hint of a good voice.
 

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Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
 
Hmm. Maybe a little too front-loaded with backstory. *shrugs* I do that a lot in the first draft, too.

I get a good sense of the character, but I'm not persuaded that I like him, yet. It is only the first 13 lines. You have some more room to accomplish that.

I don't know about action, but maybe a little more immersion. Rather than where he comes from, which you can bring out later, how about some five senses. Is it damp and chilly beside the waterfall? (I assume he's not really on top of the waterfall, about to go over. ) Etc. And, other than his hot tub, what is he looking for?
 

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Posted by Carl F (Member # 10040) on :
 
There is a lot here.
"angel investor" had me wondering if this was just a California thing or if it might be better capitalized. Then it would seem to be an established outfit and I would be wondering what it was and know that you would eventually tell me.
"Colonists in tow" made me think that he had somehow sponsored their emigration. If he had done that, why is he 'running numbers'? Usually that means gambling and new colonists shouldn't have enough ready money to risk that. They are already risking their lives going to Pangaea
 

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Posted by SASpencer (Member # 10044) on :
 
Rickard hated the outdoors.

I like that beginning, but I suggest following it with him climbing the mountain, describing what he's doing like tripping over tree roots and swatting mosquitoes while he's reminiscing about San Francisco etc.
 

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