This story is an urban fantasy set in Missouri, with a lead female character, and is complete at over 75,000 words. A full summary would be appreciated.
I knew he was there. Not because I could sense him, because I couldn’t, even with my abilities. No, it was the very lack of presence as well as the faintest trace of moisture coming from behind me and slightly to the left. I would have shrugged it off had it not been following me for the last two blocks. “Last I checked,” I said aloud, “water doesn’t usually shadow people.” There was no response as the presence vanished completely, not that I’d expected one. Not from him. I continued walking, the sinking sun and tall buildings along Main Street combining to make the early evening darker, though not too dark for my eyes. Cats see very well in the dark and my vision is better still.
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
Interesting opening. However, it isn't at all as tightly focused on the main character as I would like, which in this instance I think it should be. I feel you need to write this opening in a 3rd person POV that is so close to first person that it's 'dangerous', as extrinsic would say.
My take on it would be:
He was there, close behind me. I couldn't sense him, yet the very lack of a presence, along with the barest hint of moisture betrayed him. How did I know he was a 'him'?
I paused under the light of a lamp post in the dry night air of a long summer. "Last I checked, water doesn't usually shadow people," I said.
The 'un-presence' vanished. I should have expected that--but I didn't.
Just my $2 mill's worth.
Phil
Posted by History (Member # 9213) on :
My two shekels:
The opening two sentences would be stronger and a more intriguing hook (in regard to inspiring interest in your protagonist, her "abilities", and her immediate conflict) with the removal of "even with my abilities." Another case of where showing is better than telling.
The third sentence, however, is contradictory. She is able detect and locate "him" by "the faintest trace of moisture coming from behind me and slightly to the left.".
I stumbled over "I continued walking, the sinking sun and tall buildings along Main Street combining to make the early evening darker, though not too dark for my eyes. Suggest a rewrite, beginning with making "I continued walking" a stand-alone sentence, and reworking the remainder to better show the deepening shadows and dark as the sun set. Make it more tangible, something that might give us pause as your human readers but not your feline-gifted protagonist.
Good luck.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
Posted by Bruchar (Member # 10027) on :
From the details of this opening, it seems like you have an interesting story.
As I read it, a few details stopped the flow.
"He" changes to "it" and back to "him"
"even with my abilities" seems like an unnecessary bit of info, since the beginning of the sentence hints at paranormal perception.
"and slightly to the left" doesn't add much, and slows the tension.
Same with "not that I’d expected one. Not from him."
Those last two points could read smoother with some sentence restructuring, but could also be left out.
Just my 5 cents.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
Strong opening hampered by a trickle of mechanical style, craft, and voice shortcomings. There's an immediate dramatic complication that excites curiosity—half the "hook" mischief solidly managed. I'm not quite caring as much about the narrator-viewpoint character as I like right off the bat, though I'm curious enough that can wait a moment. I do care what will happen, just not so much about who it will happen to.
The visitation shape story type of a mysterious tail following the narrator-viewpoint character introduces a bridging complication, begins character development, and introduces the fantastical premise. And not just once and done, the fantastical premise is enhanced by the narrator-viewpoint character's intriguing ability to sense moisture. I feel the moist breath breathing down my neck. Well done and in an economy of words.
The setting isn't as strongly developed as I think these thirteen lines deserve. You have a flair for a few words doing heavy lifting; I think a few words about the time and place of the moment would work magic. The opening situation and its influence on evoking curiosity are fully introduced. I think for "urban fantasy" introducing time and place are essential.
I don't feel that the tail should so easily be resolved. Leaving the tail's immediate outcome hanging for a little longer would leave that complication artfully open for later finalization, and allow a few words for setting development. Or conversely, might afford an opportunity for developing the time and place.
Previous commentors remarked about the disruptive influences of the voice, perhaps awkward syntax, perhaps awkward diction, certainly awkward pronoun referents. Names have power and magic for grounding readers. Name the narrator-viewpoint character and, if practical, name the tail, even using a name the narrator-viewpoint character makes up on the spot. If they've met before, just give him a name and get around to the backstory mythology later. I'd be curious how they know each other.
Treating the awkward syntax and diction could be as easily managed as adjusting punctuation, yet expressively. Noah Lukeman's A Dash of Style comprehensively discusses punctuation's artistic deployment. An em dash here and there, a semicolon or two, and colons timely and judisciously deployed work meaning and expression (voice) magic.
For writers' information in general, Lukeman is a literary agent, one of the rare ones who engages intimately with promising writers to develop their properties.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Thanks for the link, extrinsic. I have just discovered that the kindle edition of Lukeman's book on how to land and keep a literary agent is free on Amazon today.
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
quote:Originally posted by Silverwolf691: This story is an urban fantasy set in Missouri, with a lead female character, and is complete at over 75,000 words. A full summary would be appreciated.
I knew he was there. Not because I could sense him, because I couldn’t, even with my abilities. No, it was the very lack of presence as well as the faintest trace of moisture coming from behind me and slightly to the left. I would have shrugged it off had it not been following me for the last two blocks. “Last I checked,” I said aloud, “water doesn’t usually shadow people.” There was no response as the presence vanished completely, not that I’d expected one. Not from him. I continued walking, the sinking sun and tall buildings along Main Street combining to make the early evening darker, though not too dark for my eyes. Cats see very well in the dark and my vision is better still.
Okay, I want to know more---it's intriguing.
However the opening does need some work. You have gotten some advice already so I will just say:
You might try cutting the -ing ending to combining. Make it combined. And I would assume she has a good sense of smell too. Water has a scent. And hearing too. Taste might be harder but more human senses would help set the setting.
Not sure if I can do the full book right now even though as I said I want to know more about it. Do you have a short synopses you could send?---once my E-mail address is straightened out that is.
Posted by Silverwolf691 (Member # 10026) on :
Wow, thank you! Each of you! That is a lot more help than I've received to date and it's exactly what I need! I'm currently researching queries and synopses and am discovering some of my major mistakes, like those you kind people have graciously listed above. I am now certain that this story needs a lot of revision and am hoping to receive more assistance.
I do see how the beginning is a little awkward. I've had this story down on paper and been pouring over it for almost five years now. I was too close to see things and, now that attention has been called to them, I DO see.
Grumpy old Guy: I have thought about changing to third-person POV but I just can't write that way. I also really prefer being along for the ride rather than screaming at the characters because they don't see the conflict coming. I"m very guilty of that!
I will definitely be going back to rework that first paragraph now. I was feeling that the opening might be a bit slow; I'll work on that. Thanks!
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
Hmm.
If you interested in sending a synopses my E-mail address is now on a thread down in the Gist forum.
Posted by Silverwolf691 (Member # 10026) on :
Okay, here's another version that I wrote up last night.
I knew he was there but not because I saw him; there wasn't anything to see in the growing gloom of nightfall. No, the presence, while quite distinct, wasn't quite perceivable, like the feeling you get when you know someone not entirely benign is watching you in the dark. As a woman who could shape shift into a panther at will, I was very well acquainted with all the things that went bump in the night. As a Demon, Talon fully qualified and then some. Of course, so did I. The feeling had been riding me for the last couple of blocks and I might not have noticed except for the faintest trail of moisture that had stayed a consistent 2 paces behind me, bringing the scent of damp hair to my sensitive nose as I progressed down the baked city streets of Murdoc, Missouri.
Posted by Bruchar (Member # 10027) on :
The second version reads better for me, until "As a Demon, Talon..." My reaction was "Who?"
Might be more understandable if the first sentence started with "I knew the Demon Talon...."
Also, mentioning " As a woman who could shape shift into a panther at will," is a bit awkward to read. Maybe a simple "As a shape shifter..." and leave the details of that to be discovered later.
The last sentence is huge. For me, the length breaks the tension of your first paragraph. It could be broken into a few shorter ones.
Posted by SR Dev (Member # 9986) on :
"Growing gloom" seems a little hamm-y to me. A few too many. The feeling like someone is watching you in the dark. Personally I like the first one better, the second one feels a little too expository and "tried". Also the bit about the water tailing someone is the most interesting part of the hook, and in the second one you don't let us in on that secret until a little bit down the road.
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
I like the first one better. It has more setting, more of the human senses and more of a hint. This has sight, smell and maybe the world famous sixth sense. About the same as the first one but that had hearing also.
In this one: The second sentence could be shorter. I don't know if you can but try saying the same thing in less words. The third isn't bad in length but it seems to say almost too much. The second half is good. Maybe try splitting them up and try to make that second half shorter. Do away with the "was" for one thing. Something like "I'm well acquainted..." Come to think of it cut the "was" and "wasn't" from the first sentence.
Hmm, Kathleen I hope the "Something like "I'm well acquainted..." "doesn't break of one of the rules for critting.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
It's probably okay, LDWriter2.
Posted by JSchuler (Member # 8970) on :
In this second version, I think if you knock out the first paragraph entirely and break up that last sentence, it works. The opening paragraph just seems too matter-of-fact for me. The first version was better in that regard.
Posted by Silverwolf691 (Member # 10026) on :
Okay, here comes attempt #3! Also, I have attempted to write my first synopsis (no, I'm not brave enough to share it just yet) and upon finishing it realized that my story, which I have gone over and over until I practically have it memorized, is rather disjointed. My main conflicts have intros and resolutions but there is pretty much nothing about them in between. Amazing what a person can learn about their work when pursuing something new!
He was there, not far behind me. I couldn't sense him, yet the lack of any presence, accompanied by the barest hint of moisture betrayed him. How did I know it was "him"? Instinct born of familiarity, I suppose. I paused briefly in the circle of golden light cast by a street lamp, breathing in deeply the dry night air of a long summer mixed with exhaust fumes and caught that wet scent again. "Last time I checked, water wasn't in the habit of shadowing people down semi-busy and well-lit city streets. Unlike this Demon I know," I said with a slight smirk.
There's another paragraph, but the rules say to limit it to the first 13.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Silverwolf691, you have room for three more lines.
If you post your 13 lines in a "Full Reply Form," you should just fill the space with 13 lines.
And if you have a line break of any kind--I don't count those--you can go one line past what fills the full reply form for every line break you use.
Posted by Silverwolf691 (Member # 10026) on :
Wow, thanks! I was just using the little box here and counting 13 lines.
Posted by Silverwolf691 (Member # 10026) on :
He was there, not far behind me. I couldn't sense him, yet the lack of any presence, accompanied by the barest hint of moisture betrayed him. How did I know it was "him"? Instinct born of familiarity, I suppose. I paused briefly in the circle of golden light cast by a street lamp, breathing in deeply the dry night air of a long summer mixed with exhaust fumes and caught that wet scent again. "Last time I checked, water wasn't in the habit of shadowing people down semi-busy and well-lit city streets. Unlike this Demon I know," I said with a slight smirk. The "un-presence" momentarily exuded a feeling of tension before vanishing completely. I should have expected that- but I didn't. After a long minute of stretching my senses to the fullest while
Posted by Silverwolf691 (Member # 10026) on :
Are we allowed to finish the sentence if it exceeds the 13 line limit?
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
The opening paragraph still doesn't work for me. I think you're trying to do too much with it. Break it up. Okay, you might miss out on finishing the 'setting' in your first 13, but you really don't need to. The intrigue in the opening should be enough to get me to 'turn the page'.
My humble and silly suggestion would be to set up the familiarity -- There's this demon I know, or rather . . .
Then move on to a second paragraph -- I knew he was there, did I mention how I knew it was a male demon? Well, that's a story for . . .
My last nit is the section of dialogue. Get someone else to read it out aloud and then see what you think of it. No one 'talks' like that.
Phil.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
quote:Originally posted by Silverwolf691: Are we allowed to finish the sentence if it exceeds the 13 line limit?
I won't cut off a few words on the next line, but if it takes more than that to finish the sentence, I may not overlook it.
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
quote:Originally posted by Silverwolf691: He was there, not far behind me. I couldn't sense him, yet the lack of any presence, accompanied by the barest hint of moisture betrayed him. How did I know it was "him"? Instinct born of familiarity, I suppose. I paused briefly in the circle of golden light cast by a street lamp, breathing in deeply the dry night air of a long summer mixed with exhaust fumes and caught that wet scent again. "Last time I checked, water wasn't in the habit of shadowing people down semi-busy and well-lit city streets. Unlike this Demon I know," I said with a slight smirk. The "un-presence" momentarily exuded a feeling of tension before vanishing completely. I should have expected that- but I didn't. After a long minute of stretching my senses to the fullest while
I think I like the second version better. This one seems too complicated for an opening--the first half that is. Long sentences too. But certain writers do good with those--it may depend on how many syllables are used.
Good inclusion of the human senses though, except taste. Nice hint of a problem too.
Maybe a combo of the first half of the first one and this one?
For my tastes anyway, I'm not an editor though.
Posted by Christian Behr (Member # 10043) on :
Hi, Silverwolf. I'm no expert, but my two cents on "version 3":
1. I would cut out "but I didn't". 2. I wouldn't capitalize demon. 3. To make your second sentence less contradictory, I would say something more like, "I almost didn't sense him, as there was no sign of presence other than the slightest hint of moisture." 4. Also, I'm confused at what she should have expected. That he was there? That he would vanish? That he would exude a feeling of tension before vanishing? I'm not sure what is the best way to resolve this. 5. I would be willing to read your first chapter. email me at christianbehr2@gmail.com 6. Posted by Silverwolf691 (Member # 10026) on :
The sun was setting as I proceeded down the semi-busy sidewalk on my way to my car, parked several blocks away from the gym. Thursday evenings weren’t inconceivably busy, but this was downtown Murdoc, the only place in town that housed more than one bar in a ten mile radius, and people were always looking for a good time. With the possible exceptions of the guy following me and myself. Maybe I was being paranoid, but I’d rather be paranoid than dead, as was all too common once upon a time. Most of my formative years were spent dodging the fangs of one Werewolf or another and the only thing that got me out with little bloodshed every time was my instincts. I listened when they whispered, and they were all but singing.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)