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Perched on the roof of an apartment complex, he watched for the target. The moonless night grated on his nerves. Criminals were hard enough to catch in broad daylight without the added problem of dark shadows. He double checked his gear and waited, crouching on the edge, above the target’s balcony. A bead of sweat ran down his back as his nerves and the stillness began to get to him. This would be a long night.

The cold wind whistled through the alley ways below. Sounds of the monorail in the distance echoed through the streets. People making their way down sidewalks and side paths chattered unaware, and completely oblivious to the dark form above them. He was part of a three man reconnaissance squad working with Alpha. This was his team’s first Psy Ops mission with a

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The cold wind barely registered through his strength-enhancing, armored exosuit. His muscles tensed when he received a report that the target was closing on their position; E.T.A. five minutes. He checked his gear and weapons for the twentieth time, and a bead of sweat ran down his back, a sign of nerves betraying his calm. He slowly crept toward the roof's edge above the target's balcony. Once the target entered the building, it was Alpha's job to take him; his team, Beta, was backup and recon. People made their way down sidewalks and paths completely oblivious to the covert activities. Sounds of a monorail in the distance echoed through the night. His communication unit, a bio-implant, chirped the sound of an incoming transmission.

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The cold wind barely registered through his black armored, strength-enhancing exosuit. He checked his gear and weapons for the twentieth time. A bead of sweat slowly rolled down his back betraying his calm, as he slowly crept toward the edge of the flat roof just above the target's fourth floor balcony. Below, people on their daily routines ambled their way down sidewalks and paths oblivious to the covert activities. Sounds of a monorail echoed through the night, as he silently recited the mission details again: Wait for the target to enter the building; provide backup & reconnaissance to Alpha team inside. Suddenly, his bio-implanted communication unit chirped the sound of an incoming transmission.

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Originally posted by tesknota:
I like it. JShuler and extrinsic bring up good points, but before I read their comments I had one of my own.

I was immersed in the the mood until right after this part: "oblivious to the dark form above them."
I just felt jolted out of the scene into an explanation of what he was a part of... I guess a tell, rather than a show? I'm not entirely sure I'm using the correct terminology here.

Maybe instead of telling me what team he was a part of, write about what the other two teams members are doing, where they are, etc. Show me the other team members rather then tell me he's part of a team.

But it's almost 3 AM and maybe all of my thoughts and suggestions are gibberish right now.

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The cold wind barely registered through his strength-enhancing, armored exosuit. His muscles tensed when he received a report that the target was closing on their position; E.T.A. five minutes. He checked his gear and weapons for the twentieth time, and a bead of sweat ran down his back his nerves betraying his calm. He slowly crept toward the roof's edge above the target's balcony. Once the target entered the building, it was Alpha's job to take him; his team, Beta, was backup and recon. People made their way down sidewalks and paths completely oblivious to the covert activities. Sounds of a monorail in the distance echoed through the night. His communication unit, a bio-implant, chirped the sound of an incoming transmission.

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[ March 16, 2013, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: MikeL ]
 

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Posted by JSchuler (Member # 8970) on :
 
I like the new version better. It fixes my issue with suspension of disbelief. But, it's still heavy on the tell for me, and generic. I'm just going to focus on one sentence.

"People made... completely oblivious to the covert activities."

I picked this because the scene described here could be the basis of a strong opening, giving us a setting and a situation. But, we need a few things:

-What people? What sidewalks? Did a movie just let out? Are these people just off the monorail, dragging themselves along the cracked pavement after a day at the Energy Mill? Is it a crowd of shoppers, loaded down with bags from the Jacey's Megastore that dominates the block? Are they well dressed, the women in heavy furs? What's their general mood? Think about the neighborhood and time of day this scene occurs in and what characterizes the people milling about below. Use what you come up with to immerse me in your world.

-"completely oblivious" Adverbs, the hallmark of telling. Not all adverbs are bad. Sometimes telling is appropriate. However, whenever I write one, I go back and re-read without the adverb. Does the scene still make sense? Does the sentence still flow? If it does, I cut. 99 times out of 100, I cut.

-"covert activities." Generic, and not half as interesting as it could be. Compare to "oblivious to the sniper rifle peering down at them."

-Most important, we need a reason why these people are mentioned at all. In my above example, there's a sniper rifle interacting with the crowd. In your story, what is the crowd's interaction with the character you focused on? If there's no interaction, you may as well write about what's going on at the other side of the world for all the good it does, right? People halfway around the world are just as oblivious.
 

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Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
 
I might connect with "him" better if you gave him a name.

It still feels pretty distant, not tightly connected to the character's perceptions, thoughts, or feelings.

JMO
 

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Posted by MikeL (Member # 9138) on :
 
Thanks JSchuler,
Grr...how to do it all in 13 lines... I guess this is where I put my creativity to the test eh? I'll revise it again soon. The people are walking to and from the monorail etc...yes, this needs a better explanation.

Thanks Meredith,
I want to give him a name, and I will, but its an awkward name that he hates...Daelan...so I'm saving it for a few more lines later into the dialogue. It also helps to build some tension between two characters.
 

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Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
 
Originally posted by MikeL:

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Grr...how to do it all in 13 lines...

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Do what? If you are having so much trouble with the opening, I would suggest you either don't have a clear idea of the purpose of the opening or you're trying to do too much with it.

The first 13 is far too restrictive to try and introduce too many concepts too quickly. Focus on one, would be my advice.

Phil.
 

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Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
 
I think the second version is stronger in sensory details, but like JShuler notes they are on the generic side. Also, now that I see the direction of the opening, the ordering of the setting details zooms in and out without fully realizing any one. The setting of the stakeout doesn't feel significant for later in the narrative, so not much development would be required, just a telling detail or two, maybe three for each visual sensation.

Ordering them is a hierachal matter. From close by Daelan to farther away and farther away, a narrative technique, or vice versa, farthest away to closer and closer by, a cinematic technique. Since Daelan's Beta team is overwatch, maybe a nearby middle ground opening closing into Daelan's close perceptions is in order.

As it is in the second version, I get some sense of the relative time, place, and situation of the setting. The exosuit and monorail suggest a near future time and the monorail suggests a populous urban or municipal location. I see how having many people around could make the situation more complicated for Daelan and thus why that's significant in the moment.

The vision I have of the setting is an aging, perhaps restored brownstone in a gentrified urban neighborhood. "Daelan _slowly_ crept"? tautology, gives me a sense the apartment building is about four stories tall and the rooftop is flat with a low ledge wall. Any higher and he'd have difficulty picking out people on the ground. Ledge walls are typically at least knee-high. And that gives me a sense of a northeast mega metrotropolis. High pitched gable roofs are more common to suburban and rural and southeastern apartment buildings where real estate isn't at such a premium and commonly only two or three stories.

Climate is another factor in roof configurations. Roofs that shed snow are steeper pitched. Flat roofs maximize rentable space when height restrictions limit upper story superstructure as in municipal settings. So I do have a sense of the setting but I'm projecting details that may be erroneous and cause reading distrubances later from being erroneous. The second law of writing, the writer writes the story, not the reader: not this much anyway.
 

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Posted by MikeL (Member # 9138) on :
 
Wow Extrinsic,
You've described my scene well: It is the future; although more distant. and the apartment is a four story building sitting in a "mega" metropolis. This is an older sections of the city - hence the four stories - that resides in a relatively warmer climate.

From what I gather, my second intro has almost hit the mark, but it needs a word or two added/changed to make it really stand out. The story's intro paragraph has always been my kryptonite, but I have so fully realized this scene that it's become like a movie to me. Maybe that's why some of the ordering theme closely mirrors that of a cinematic style.

Thanks to everyone for the help. Later I'll post the first 13 for Chapter 2.
 

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Posted by SASpencer (Member # 10044) on :
 
I think it is very suspenseful. The only thing I have to add is the reason you wrote the bead of sweat down his back is to show his nerves, so you can leave that out.


and a bead of sweat ran down his back betraying his calm.
 

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Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
 

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Originally posted by MikeL:
Wow Extrinsic,
You've described my scene well: It is the future; although more distant. and the apartment is a four story building sitting in a "mega" metropolis. This is an older sections of the city - hence the four stories - that resides in a relatively warmer climate.

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Originally posted by MikeL:
From what I gather, my second intro has almost hit the mark, but it needs a word or two added/changed to make it really stand out. The story's intro paragraph has always been my kryptonite, but I have so fully realized this scene that it's become like a movie to me. Maybe that's why some of the ordering theme closely mirrors that of a cinematic style.

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quote:

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The cold wind barely registered through his black armored, strength-enhancing exosuit. He checked his gear and weapons for the twentieth time. A bead of sweat slowly rolled down his back betraying his calm, as he slowly crept toward the edge of the flat roof just above the target's fourth floor balcony. Below, people on their daily routines ambled their way down sidewalks and paths oblivious to the covert activities. Sounds of a monorail echoed through the night, as he silently recited the mission details again: Wait for the target to enter the building; provide backup & reconnaissance to Alpha team inside. Suddenly, his bio-implanted communication unit chirped the sound of an incoming transmission.

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