The blasts splintered Earth’s crust. They turned the oceans into a sea of primal fire on which the continents floated like melting ice. Lights flared above the three lunar cities as fires melted the domed settlements leaving the moon once again lifeless.
There was less to erase on the moon. The human colonies there had been small.
Over a thousand ships hung about watching to see that all was consumed, that nothing remained viable on planet or moon. They drew apart in clusters, big transports in the center with smaller cruisers and attack craft guarding them. Finally, bored watching fires that would smoulder for an Earth century, the alien ships began to leave. Group by group they hurtled off to
Posted by tesknota (Member # 10041) on :
I like this a lot. Your wording is transparent and flows well. The description is also very vivid.
I was just a bit confused as to what was happening in the beginning. It seems like the ships are destroying Earth first:
"The blasts splintered Earth's crust."
But in the same paragraph, you say:
"Lights flared above the three lunar cities... leaving the moon once again lifeless."
I think things might have gotten switched around when you were editing. Or it's too early in the morning and I'm misreading this.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
How about this?
The blasts splintered Earth’s crust. They turned the oceans into a sea of primal fire on which the continents floated like melting ice. Fires melted the three domed lunar settlements leaving the Earth's moon once again lifeless.
There was less to erase on the moon. The human colonies there had been small.
Over a thousand ships hung about watching to see that all was consumed, that nothing remained viable on planet or moon. They drew apart in clusters, big transports in the center with smaller cruisers and attack craft guarding them. Finally, bored watching fires that would smoulder for an Earth century, the alien ships began to leave. Group by group they hurtled off to
Posted by tesknota (Member # 10041) on :
I guess here’s what I was trying to ask:
“The blasts splintered Earth’s crust. They turned the oceans into a sea of primal fire on which the continents floated like melting ice. Fires melted the three domed lunar settlements leaving the Earth's moon once again lifeless.”
From the first two sentences, I am picturing ships destroying the Earth. But when the third sentence starts, and I am still thinking about the Earth’s burning oceans, the word “Fires” makes me think you’re still talking about the Earth. Did you mean that separate fires were melting the domes on the moon? Or did you mean that the fire on Earth burned so strongly that even the lunar domes melted?
This is just my opinion, but I think that your next paragraph –
“There was less to erase on the moon. The human colonies there had been small.”
– would be very strong if you kept the description in the first paragraph just to being about the destruction of Earth. Then, the second paragraph would be an abrupt change of pace. Hot to cold. Very blunt.
Also, for the third paragraph, my suggestion is to either take out the word “alien” before “the alien ships began to leave” or move it to “Over a thousand [alien] ships…”. And I didn’t mention this in my first comment, but I really like the placement of the word “bored”. It gave the aliens some personality, and made me laugh (though it probably shouldn't have).
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
The blasts splintered Earth’s crust. They turned the oceans into a sea of primal fire on which the continents floated like melting ice.
Fires melted the three domed lunar settlements leaving the Earth's moon once again lifeless. There was less to erase on the moon. The human colonies there had been small.
Over a thousand ships hung about watching to see that all was consumed, that nothing remained viable on planet or moon. They drew apart in clusters, big transports in the center with smaller cruisers and attack craft guarding them. Finally, bored watching fires that would smoulder for an Earth century, the alien ships began to leave. Group by group they hurtled off to
Hmm, I must agree with your first point. However, I need to warn the reader that this destruction was carried out by aliens, not some group of humans. Yet I find it disturbing to call the ship's "alien" in the first paragraph.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
The underlying premise intrigues me, that of all Terran life destroyed, strongly implying some life either survives or life will resume and that's the dramatic action.
Who, where, and what are clealry given; aliens destroy Earth's life and Luna's.
How is given; alien spaceship weapons slag Earth's lithosphere and part of Luna's regolith, respectively, effectively sterilizing both.
When? A time marker would help anchor me in the novel.
Why? I need to know why soon so I have an anchor in the novel.
The summarization and explanation reads clearly, though it's backstory setup given in narrator voice for the action to come, prologue. I feel the action is implied, that the struggle of life will resume.
I feel like the language is at times unsophisticated and at times sophisticated, perhaps unsettled in that regard. The first and second sentences, for example, show that disparity. The voice of the narrator feels more remote than I think is warranted due to that unsettled voice.
The narrator's identity is an indifferent, disembodied, god-like persona who doesn't seem either human or alien and feels like a bystander observing from the vacuum of nearby space. The aliens destroy all terrestrial and lunar life then leave, observed by the narrator.
This opening tickles my curiosity a little, from thinking the action is how life resumes and wanting to see if that is so, but the scope of the tragedy is so broad my willing suspension of disbelief is in jeopardy. My empathy is not excited, though. I yearn for more character specificity so I have an emotional anchor in the novel. Stronger who and why from human and alien character perspectives would develop that specificity.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
No characters...
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
Well, Robert, not yet. They come in in chapter 1. Interested in sampling a few pages more?
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :