Catherine had her husband, John, home and to herself. The two of them sat at the kitchen table talking in low voices when footsteps crossed the porch. The front door opened, letting in a blast of freezing air.
John gripped Catherine's arm. A neighbor would have knocked. "I'll see what's wanted," he told her.
"I'm coming with you."
In the living room, the fireplace embers glowed, revealing two Guardians near the door. In contrast to the black hair, their white skin showed up eerily. The one on the left turned his head toward Catherine. His eyes caught the faint firelight and reflected it all silver-like. She recognized him by the blueish line on his throat: Scar.
Any comments? Is anyone willing to read the rest of the chapter?
[ July 01, 2013, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by Carl F (Member # 10040) on :
The first sentence feels odd, to me. Perhaps; John was home at last and all Cathrine's. or; Cathrine and John sat at the kitchen table, holding hands and talking in low voices. She had him to herself at last. Footsteps crossed--- "showed up" would be better as 'glowed,' "made an eery contrast', something with more class. 'His name was Scar.' then give us some context to know how she knows him. Was she afraid? Sure, send me the chapter. I'll do what I can. Carl
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
Hmmmm...I have pretty much (almost certainly)decided not to open with John and Catherine. That IS the beginning of chapter 5 although it does open a new part of the story. I have returned to fixing on the original beginning. However...hmmm...I'm going to send you chapter 5 for comment. No one has yet seen anything much past chapter one, and I am curious. Would you mind looking at chapter one, too? Compare them perhaps?