[ June 03, 2015, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
This is Chapter 5 of a speculative fiction/urban horror novel. Comments on these 13 are appreciated.
Posted by Carl F (Member # 10040) on :
Let me get this straight... She's dead. She hangs upside down and spys on former family. She gets sharp pain. Play that again.. it does not compute. Cut the type of show they watch. Who cares? Is it instructive that the older one recognizes humor while the younger one dosen't? Drop "early elementary shcool" too. give her age or size or something else. They are not in America I suspect. They may not even have elementary schools there. Tell us how she grips the concrete wall, claws, suckers, why upside down? People who don't know how names are arranged in Korean might think her name is Kim. Be sure and explain that.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Thanks for the comments!
Posted by SASpencer (Member # 10044) on :
Since this is Chapter 5, I'm going to assume you have explained a few things that aren't apparent to me at this point. (Sounds like a vampire to me but not necessarily.) I can offer some wording advice i.e. being more concise. Try using ' and take out "of the" and don't use "noticed" since whatever comes after is what is noticed. (E-mail me if that doesn't make sense.) Most of your sentences start with the name of the character or pronoun. How about switching that up a bit more? Hope that helps.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
"Kim Jung Hyun clung, upside down, to the outside wall of the apartment building."
I like this opening line. Cool image.
"She peeked in through the parted curtains at two sisters sitting on a couch watching a comedy reality T.V. couples program. The sisters were years apart in age, one a teenager, the other early elementary school. Jung Hyun noticed how the younger sister waited for her older sibling to laugh as the couples on the program competed, and argued, against each other."
I agree with Carl F. The type of show they're watching doesn't seem to matter, and it's kind of bulky exposition.
"If her dead heart could,"
Is she literally dead, or is her heart just figuratively dead? Given that this is chapter 5, I'll assume the reader already knows the answer, and if it's a mystery here, that's not a problem. That's just my thought process as I read that.
"it would ache for the family she hadn’t seen since she’d been killed by the Gwanylo a year ago. Jung Hyun blinked her eyes rapidly to keep from tearing,"
I think you're trying to have your cake and eat it, too. You're saying she can't ache for her lost family, but in the same sentence saying that she does. Which is it?
"and almost lost her grip on the concrete wall when a sudden sharp pain ripped up between her legs making her gasp."
Nice bit of action. I expect things are about to heat up.
My main thought about this passage: why is she watching these two girls through their window? I'm not saying that's a question I need an answer to right away, just that it's my big question that's going to keep me reading to find out the answer.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
[ June 03, 2015, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Thanks for the comments! The above is a slight revision I'd made that I hadn't posted.
Funny to get a response to this when I was just about to post the opening lines of Chapter 6.
Thanks again!
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
quote:I think you're trying to have your cake and eat it, too.
Oh, I did want to respond to this. What I'm going at is discord in Jung Hyun's perception of herself. She's dead, so she thinks she doesn't have natural feelings anymore, only artificial ones. She can't tell when a "human" emotion is fake or genuine.