[ June 03, 2015, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
If anyone is interested in swapping about a hundred pages, or up to 30000 words, of material, I'm game. I've had people read chapters of this out of order, but am always looking for someone to read the entire thing through to see about narrative continuity.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
I'm game. E-mail me what you've got and I'll send you mine.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
[ June 03, 2015, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
Now that is an interesting start. I'm reading on to find out about this freak out on the bus.
My only nit: "He had, after all, recently had a bad dream." I didn't know if "he" was Nathaniel of the headmaster in this sentence until I read the rest of it. My initial encounter with this sentence was confusing, though.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Thanks, but actually, I decided to go with the opening below for Chapter 6.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
A hand reached out and touched Nathaniel’s face. He repressed a shudder, of lust or revulsion, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps neither; perhaps both. The hand, small with delicate fingers, played along his brow, traced the tips of its fingers down his cheek to his chin. The owner giggled. “So sexy,” Na Soe Ha breathed out in a raspy voice, and snuggled closer to Nathaniel, pressing his small tits and larger penis against his side. Nathaniel closed his eyes. The morning had passed into noon, and he’d been lying in bed as Soe Ha slept beside him.
Posted by Pygmalion 79 (Member # 10132) on :
I was interested in finding out what was next, but also had a few concerns -- some of which have to do with this being out of order. The first sentence is confusing. Is Nathaniel wishing not to see or not to see any more of something? I suspect that context answers the question, but it was on my mind. In a sci-fi story one might be especially tempted to think it was the former. "Same building" also obviously needs context. That made it hard to get started.
As for the rest, I didn't like "oozing concern." Seems overused. I also agree that I don't know who the "he" is who had the bad dream quickly enough. In the second bit, I would drop "Perhaps neither; perhaps both."
Is Soe Ha supposed to be partially transgender? The combination of characteristics suggests this, though it isn't strictly entailed by what you say.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Hey, thanks for reading. It does get confusing out of order. To answer your questions, he's wishing not to see any more of visions he's having. I actually changed that opening sentence because it was vague, and started off on a different note in the last opening with Soe Ha, which is more concrete.
'Same building' is an apartment building he was trying to get out of, mostly to avoid Soe Ha, who is transgender. That's a bit more explained in a previous chapter, but I think it's a better opening focus than the visions aspect. The chapter is still about Nathaniel seeing too much when he doesn't want to, and not seeing enough when it's actually important.