[ February 17, 2014, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
Posted by Unwritten (Member # 7960) on :
Kim Jung Hyun opened her eyes to Song Ji Hun crouched on the edge of her bed. Using their whole names really hampered the flow of this sentence.
“There’s been a murder,” he said, fast, too fast, but they were alone in her apartment. These two statements don't seem to be related.
Still, the slip caught her off guard. Ji Hun always stayed in character, even in private moments like this away from human eyes. “What’s a murder?” Jung Hyun asked, but Ji Hun did not respond, and she swallowed her frustration at the fact that he doled out knowledge to her in scraps only when it was in his interest.
Gwanlyo interest, he would correct, but moments like this blurred the lines. I don't understand this last sentence.
Yet the word murder had to be code for something. It couldn’t possibly mean for them what it did to the living. Who, besides the Gwanlyo, could kill the dead? Murder being a code for something else is interesting, but I was under the impression that she had a poor mastery of English, and thus didn't know the word 'murder.'
Ji Hun took his smart phone from his pants pocket and looked at it. “You’ve got two minutes. Get ready.”
This is an interesting beginning. There were too many possible interpretations of "What's a murder?" and when I picked the wrong one, it really pulled me out of the story. I suggest making your meaning clear right from the start. Also, the first mention of the Gwanlyo seems like too much information, while the second mention piqued my interest.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Ah, thanks! Actually, I had already tweaked this opening. Nothing major.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :