Compared to the other one, I think it reads much, much better.
What if you say Shin Jeju Natural Police? Because that bit of information adds too much to one sentence about parking.
Maybe a comment about the smell of where he was.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Hey, thanks for the response! Actually, I'm not sure what you're saying here:
quote:Because that bit of information adds too much to one sentence about parking.
And I was going to add the acrid smell of piss, but it overcrowded the opening with too many descriptions, so I dropped it.
Thanks again!
Posted by tesknota (Member # 10041) on :
I think J meant that the first sentence is just long enough to trip up the reader. I feel that way too. There's four prepositional phrases in a row; it would flow more smoothly if you took one out. More specifically, I'm having some trouble picturing "at the edge of the corner", but maybe that's just me. I'd actually go with the parking sentence in your first version.
I love your first mini paragraph. Right away, I catch a glimpse into Kang Kun Hee's personality and realize that he's not human.
"The Natural Police would already be there, waiting for him in a small café, but they would be too polite to note his habitual lateness." To me, this sentence would flow better with two parts instead of three. It seems like there's one pause too many.
"Humans let seconds slip through fingers that they should have been hoarding." I keep getting nagging images of someone hoarding fingers. I love the idea, but maybe rephrase?
Good work. Great setup. I also prefer this version to the previous one.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
quote: There's four prepositional phrases in a row; it would flow more smoothly if you took one out. More specifically, I'm having some trouble picturing "at the edge of the corner"
You're right, it is too long. I'll edit it down. In my head I see what I'm saying, but it's hard to describe. Basically, it's someone parking badly where the two streets meet to form the corner. In America, you would get towed, but it's common to see that in Korea. Usually, people who are in a rush and can't be bothered do it. And since the streets are narrow, their cars usually partially block both of them making passing difficult.
So I was trying to go for all that in one sentence, but it's not nearly that important, and it's more difficult to describe in a minimal amount of words than I would have thought.
Thanks for the input!
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :