This is topic Chapter 12 - Ring in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
 
Revised below.

[ January 02, 2014, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
 
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
 
As always, thanks for any comments!
 
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
 
"Without a heart, can the dead love?" While this is an interesting question, this feels like the narrator intruding and trying way too hard to sound deep. (That's an "it takes one to know one" comment; I am often guilty of this literary sin). Maybe if he looks at the heart pendant first, and then the question can be framed as his thought instead of coming at me as a narrator address.

"The downed nuclear plants frayed nerves as well as raised temperatures." I am confused. Don't know what that's about or why the downed plants frayed nerves. Also, is eating patbingsu and sipping coffee intended to be a response to having frayed nerves? It's not clear to me why it would be. It actually creates kind of a relaxed, laid back picture in my mind.

"walking slowly past humans living human lives" cool concept, bulky wording.

The lively girlfriend with hidden cancer is very interesting.

I look forward to seeing the finished product of this book some day (hopefully on a shelf at a book store). I've seen a lot of interesting stuff going on in it so far.
 
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
 
Hey, thanks for the comments! I'm midway through the novel now. I suppose I'll be done the first draft in three months.
 
Posted by jerich100 (Member # 10202) on :
 
I thought the first sentence was okay.

Consider changing, "He moved off from the jewelry store" to "He left the jewelry store". Perhaps it sounds cleaner/swifter; the "less is more" principle.

In the last paragraph you use the words "humans" and "human". Is this because Bu Chang Jin isn't? That's how I read it.
 
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
 
Hey, thanks for the comment!
 
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
 


[ June 03, 2015, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
 


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