This is the first 13 of chapter 4 part 3 of my WIP. This story focuses on a isolated settlement of survivors which has been raided by a rival group. The story begins as a bit of a survival western then slowly reveals itself to be a sci-fi tale. In this scene our protagonist 'Devon' is experiencing a little internal conflict before joining a group of other characters in something of a call to action. I am interested in any and all feedback that you lovely people could offer. Grammar, prose, voice. . . anything. I am creeping up on 15000 words into this very rough 1st draft.
Embers erupted from the fire shifting pattern to shape in luminous formations morphing like prairie birds in flight. They playfully rose above stone and eave beyond shingle and thatch to blend with the stars, as carefree as the soul of a child, they never looked back. Devon closed his eyes, the heat of the fire warm on his chest, he imagined himself floating with the smoke, rising high above Little Valley, drifting away on the wind. He tried with everything he had to just look to the sky as he rose, to let his imagination carry him, to finally leave this place, but he couldn't. The weight of this place and the people that needed him pulled him down like an anchor and he couldn't look away. Like it or not this is his home and there is no getting away from it.
Posted by besimirch (Member # 10288) on :
quote:Embers erupted from the fire shifting pattern to shape in luminous formations morphing like prairie birds in flight.
I had to read this sentence numerous times to try and understand it. I don't know, maybe something like "Embers erupted from the fire, shifting pattern like prairie birds in flight" might be better?
quote: They playfully rose above stone and eave beyond shingle and thatch to blend with the stars, as carefree as the soul of a child, they never looked back.
I think you could cut this, you've already set the scene. Or maybe slip this in later through the scene.
quote: Devon closed his eyes, the heat of the fire warm on his chest, he imagined himself floating with the smoke, rising high above Little Valley, drifting away on the wind. He tried with everything he had to just look to the sky as he rose, to let his imagination carry him, to finally leave this place, but he couldn't.
I think you have set the scene here well enough with the first sentence to make the second here redundant. I think you could cut the second and what follows says enough that I don't think we would miss it.
I like the idea for the story and see a nice potential for growth in the character of Devon.
Posted by r33fking (Member # 10286) on :
Thanks for looking at it besmirch . I had been wrestling with this fragment for a while. I was shooting for a little bit of a surreal feel to this part of the scene but, I think I may have over done it, to the point where the dead horse kicked me back. I'll rework it a bit.